“I got your feelz right here, suckers!”, illegal immigrants say as they respectfully enter the debate on whether they should be rewarded for their crimes.

To borrow from the greatest philosopher of our age, “‘Puter may not be a smart man, but he knows what dysfunction is.”*

‘Puter’s family thinks he’s losing his marbles since he’s been yelling at the television and radio for weeks. Every stinking media outlet has sob story after sob story about deportations of sympathetic illegal aliens. Media tugs its chin and sheds a theatrical tear, tut-tutting the ruffians who would date deport people for violating our laws.

After his third transient ischemic attack induced by biased media coverage of immigration, ‘Puter had an epiphany. On second thought, maybe it should be “because of his third transient ischemic attack.” Whatever. That’s not important right now. What’s important is ‘Puter’s epiglottis. Wait, no. Epiphany.**

‘Puter realized Democrats and Republicans will never agree on immigration because Democrats view the issue at the micro level while Republicans view it at the macro level.

Democrats view immigration as a million tiny, one-off stories, completely unconnected to some larger picture. That is, if a guy who snuck in illegally, has a felony conviction from long ago, was ordered deported, was granted leniency from deportation from prior administrations, is married, has kids, and has worked (illegally) for years is deported, this is the worst thing ever.

You can see this attitude in every media story. Media either agrees with this “micro” view of immigration or is cynically writing stories to reinforce it in other liberals. Or both, but ‘Puter’s kind and won’t automatically attribute malevolence to media, even though it’s richly deserved.

You can see it in your friends and family, who, when asked about immigration will respond with some version of, “OMG, those evil Trump people really hate all the poor brown people! We have plenty of everything, and we’re good, loving people, so we should keep them all!”

Republicans view immigration as a monolithic process, and one that is, on balance (as currently operating) harmful to America and Americans. That is, the guy who snuck in and has been working illegally is part of an integrated web of illegal immigrants and their employers who, on the whole, inflict damage to American workers, American culture, and American life.

You can see this “macro” view in conservative media pundits who charge ignoring immigration law, even for sympathetic cases, damages rule of law and respect for our institutions. We hear arguments from politicians that every job an illegal immigrant holds illegally is a job not available to American citizens. You see the outlays for illegal immigrants and their kids, such as welfare (for kids of illegals born here) and in-state college tuition for Dreamers.

Your friends and family may even say such things as, “They knew they were breaking the law when they came here. Why is it unjust to punish them when they are caught? They knew the potential consequences of their acts. Let the illegal immigrants and their families suffer them. They have no one to blame but themselves.”

Regular readers know ‘Puter, and while he plays a cold hearted schlub on Twitter, he’s actually a caring person who doesn’t want to harm anyone.* However, ‘Puter’s also a firm believer in the importance of rule of law. ‘Puter is sympathetic to the individual stories of illegal aliens forced out of the country, away from friends and family, and back to countries in which they may not have lived in decades. But the critical importance of rule of law and the readily foreseeable consequences of unfettered immigration trump any sympathy for individual cases ‘Puter may have.

At base, Democrats argument boils down to “ALL TEH FEELZ.” Republicans have the better of the argument on the merit, but it won’t ultimately matter. America’s been corrupted since the 1960s by Boomers, academia, public schools, crypto-Marxists, and media to eschew logic and reason and let your feelz flag fly. Each entity has its own reason for destroying America’s ability to reason. Some view it as an end in itself, some as an acceptable loss in pursuit of a greater goal. ‘Puter views it as a crying shame.

As such, ‘Puter expects the current lean towards immigration reform along Republican lines to be the high water mark for controlled immigration supporters. In large groups, logic and reason nearly always fall before raw emotion and rage. Welcome back to the mobs of the French Revolution.

America will get immigration reform now, with tighter laws, but it is a momentary win. An increasing plurality of Americans has given up on reason and rule of law. This group is content to sit idly by as the nation is irreparably harmed in service to their feelz.

If people on either side want to stop the conflagration over immigration, they need to learn to phrase their arguments in terms the other side will understand. As noted, because the “all teh feelz” junta is numerically larger, it’s far more critical for the “rule of law” side to learn to do so.

‘Puter has no hope either side will learn. ‘Puter knows it is America which will suffer.

* Yes, that’s Forrest Gump. Don’t @ me. Also, yeah, “may not be” is generous to ‘Puter.

** Maybe ‘Puter should’ve listened to Dr. J, taken the clot-busting drugs, stopped drinking more than 13 liters of vodka a day, and forsworn Popeye’s fried chicken. But what would a life without those things be?

*** Unless said person or persons truly deserve to be hurt. For example, people who play “Africa” on loop when he’s around. I’m looking at you, Kaiju and Meaux.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.