Central American illegal immigrants practice so they can blend seamlessly with other Metro riders when they arrive in DC.

Immigration.

Say the word and normal, sane people lose their minds.

On one side, we have people screaming “THEY TOOK R JERBZ!!!” and “BILD TEH WAL!!” On the other side, we see people ranting without open borders, America’s the moral equivalent of Hitler. Once again, America’s allowed its politicians and media to divide us. Ordinary Americans (i.e., those not making money off sowing discord and strife) are a lot closer policy-wise than we think.

The vast majority of Americans (if polls are to be believed) support a pathway to legal status of some sort for so-called Dreamers. The vast majority of Americans also support increased border enforcement, as well as better, stricter enforcement of our immigration laws generally.

Trump, assuming today’s policy position is his true position, understands this. He supports both notions, legalizing the Dreamers and tight borders coupled with strict enforcement of law. This seems to ‘Puter to be the correct position. Or, at least, the position best suited to satisfy both sides of the immigration debate (while providing grist for extremists’ grievance mills for the decade to come).

To Trump’s credit, he is not making the mistake Republicans made in the 1980s when they agreed to amnesty first, then increased enforcement later, which conveniently (for Democrats) never materialized. Trump is insisting on a package deal, which is the smart play.

Media and Democrats can blame Trump all they want if Dreamers are deported, but if Trump and Republicans are on record with an offer for a pathway to legal status for Dreamers in return for the Trump Taj Ma-Wall and tighter enforcement, Republicans are in pretty good shape because that’s where Americans seem to be.

Democrats found out the hard way the importance of at least appearing reasonable when they shut the government down, thus breaking the first rule of government shutdowns: Don’t shut the government down. Worse, no amount of spinning by Democrats and media could change the inescapable conclusion that Democrats were willing to punish American citizens to gain benefits for illegally present aliens, even sympathetic ones. This, to put it mildly, is not a winning look.

So, as the immigration saga plays out, here are my predictions, for whatever they’re worth.

• Trump gets his beloved wall and increased enforcement.
• Dreamers get some sort of pathway to legal status, though I fervently hope not citizenship.
• These two items are part of larger immigration reform which will include at a minimum an end to the diversity visa lottery and sharp curtailment of family related visas (except for spouses and minor children, who will not then get to bring their relatives in).
• The entire mess will be rolled into a consolidated two-year budget which will pass before August, allowing both Republicans and Democrats to claim victory prior to November’s mid-term elections.

You may disagree. You may think this solution is wrong and bad and proof positive that Democrats/Republicans are ruining our once great nation. My take? It’s America returning to bare knuckled, hard fought compromise.

And that, whatever the policy outcome, is a good thing for America.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.