Your 2017 Chinese Horoscopes
As Chinese New Year’s approaches, we here at the Castle want to wish all our Chinese readers 拖拉機拖車! (Gong Fu Fat Chow), and remind all of you round-eye imperialist running dogs that the Chinese zodiac is total horseshit made up by Western bastards like yourselves. Anyway, you’ll being seeing more of this crap in other places, so we thought we’d beat everybody to the punch and give you your horoscopes earlier.
 | If you were born in the year of the Goat: Most of your friends find you as offensive as a cheese that’s gone really bad. Roy is never going to pay you the $20 from that stupid wager about Jennifer Love Hewitt. But he knows he was wrong about her. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Monkey: The creepy ex-lover is going to be in your closet again, tonight. Don’t bother with the cops: just shoot through the door. Also, that letter from Prudential is a scam. Do not pay that bill; just throw it away. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Horse: Tomorrow will be a bad day for you, skinning your knee on that desk chair as you get up. You should try to limit yourself to five doughnuts tomorrow and maybe only a couple of Cokes. That’s not a prediction, but generally good advice because you’ve been looking a little, well, you know. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Dragon: Next Thursday will be a good day to get kneed by a nun right in the crotch. People tend to view you as extremely gullible, particularly people who write horoscopes. Avoid them at all costs; you can start with us. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Snake: You believe yourself to be extremely clever, but the reason people don’t laugh at your jokes isn’t because they didn’t get them, but because they’re not that funny. So in addition to not being as clever as you think, you’re also not as funny as you think. Frankly, you are a disappointment on many dimensions. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Ostrich: You’re the type of person who wakes up before the alarm, leaps out of bed, gets dressed for work or school in record time, and has a big, energy-boosting breakfast before realizing it’s Saturday. |
 | If you were born in the year of the ‘Puter: Your friends are impressed with your ability to lift heavy objects and that’s why you’re first on their list to call on moving day. Also, your skills as a cook are a source of constant delight, as is your generosity with drinks. Come to think of it, all your friends are using you to score free labor, food, and booze. You need to cut them loose, dude. Bunch of freaking free-loaders. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Manticore: A new romantic relationship is in the works for you next month, so you can finally stop paying for sex. Your favorite color will be brown, and your pet orangutan will likely die a horrible death, so be sure to get that on video. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Octopus: You can expect a very turbulent year, filled with fires, floods, terrible sicknesses, and it seems every plane you step onto will crash spectacularly into wheat fields, killing everyone aboard. Nobody wants you around them because you’re like two or three of the four horseman at once. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Jellyfish: Go look in the mirror, and see how many problems are written right there in the baggy wrinkles of your face. You need way more help than a horoscope can give you, and don’t even waste time with a self-help book unless it’s got the DSM-IV in it as an appendix. You’re a mess and you know it. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Yeti: Your fascination with pop culture and all those dead celebrities will finally pay off this year, when none of your relatives or friends want to talk to you anymore. You’ll wish you’d thought of this years ago, so enjoy the peace and quiet living in your northern Minnesota cabin. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Peking Duck: 2017 will be a year to catch up on unfinished projects, like finally solving that Rubik’s cube, finishing a Sudoku from 1998, and tackling that Junior Jumble. Don’t bother mailing in that sweepstakes entry, because that was held and awarded in 2004. Next year will be a good year to cure yourself of procrastination. Or maybe the year after. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Hyena: You’re surrounded by people who annoy you. They bring you all their tiny little problems, as if you had anything to do with getting them into these scrapes. Evidently, they have plenty of time to waste yours, which is effing great. But you know why they tell you all the details of their worthless lives? Because they are better than you and they know it. Sorry to break it to you. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Pangolin: Nothing is more inspirational than someone like you, or at the very least you can serve as a warning to others. Your ability to withstand serious firepower like bullets and tequila and fire has not gone unnoticed at work, and it’s amazing to your boss that you still have a job. Maybe spend less time on spider training or learning to tie a monkey’s fist knot, though, as it’s getting in the way of television watching. |
 | If you were born in the year of the Sleestak: This is the year you should consider walking upright. People expect all sorts of simple things from you, and yet you continue to disappoint. But you’re such an obvious failure that the problem clearly resides with them, not you…so celebrate! Also, you will be eaten alive by cockroaches in November. Don’t even try to prevent it because that just makes Fate angrier. |
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.