Every so often, something happens that astonishes the long-over-lived Czar. Lately, it’s been the sudden appearance of a conservative backbone. Look, we all have at least one liberal loud-mouth at every holiday gathering, either a friend or relative who signals his or her virtue by reciting a recently read headline off HuffPo or Vox or Salon that makes us all grumble quietly into our drinks and await the end of the evening for another season.

A couple of years ago, the Czar noticed at his own family gatherings a reversal of this, and has since heard from many of you identical occurrences of conservative family members suddenly hollering back and turning the whole thing into a fun free-for-all. Except liberals generally can’t sustain a conversation for very long, so generally it’s been ending very badly for them. The entire election of 2016 seems to be a powerful manifestation of this, in which the other half of America has finally said Enough.

With this in mind, the Czar thought he would share with you his extremely successful technique of disarming liberal arguments before they start. We apologize in advance for the language, but it is unfortunately necessary. Rough language gets liberals’ attention like nothing else because it hits them like a glass of ice-cold water in the face. Which you could also do.

Presented are some common argument lead-ins you could expect to hear this year; bear in mind, these are flexible, so feel free to use these responses to any argument you hear, but be sure to get the wording of the response correct and enjoy the look on everyone’s faces around the Thanksgiving table.

I am soooo scared right now that our country elected a homophobic, racist, woman-hater president.
You: Shut the fuck up. Nobody gives a shit what you think.

I can’t believe Trump is just going to destroy the healthcare of 20 million innocent people.
You: Shut the fuck up. Nobody gives a shit what you think.

So basically women are going to have to go to Mexico for their healthcare now?
You: Shut the fuck up. Nobody gives a shit what you think.

I suppose that we better get used to a horrible world of guns mowing innocent children down. I’m soooo terrified about for our kids.
You: Shut the fuck up. Nobody gives a shit what you think.

Hillary should be the president, but the Electoral College stole the election from her.
You: Shut the fuck up. Nobody gives a shit what you think.

 

Don’t sound angry or petulant. Just sound bored and dismissive.

Quite a number of people have tried the Czar’s advice with incredible success. The stunning brutality of the response works on liberals because it shocks their delicate sensibilities in a way that calm, reasoned logic never seems to. Remember, they want you to argue back and make it emotional, because then they can leverage their experience by hollering and making you feel terrible for what you think. Our approach, however, shuts it all down before it even gets started.

Let’s look at the psychology: liberals, as we know, respond only to emotion and visceral instinct, not rational thought or structured arguments. Our rapid deployment technique immediately derails their anticipated response queues, and lets them know their ideas are unimportant. Not only is their liberal ideology of zero interest to anyone there, it will never matter to anyone elsewhere, either. The whole dramatic theater—what our dear Dr. J. medically terms “the Vaporzez”—is nothing more than a booger to be flicked away in annoyance. All their political masturbation is nothing more to the world than a Facebook post nobody will ever read. “You’re a child having a tantrum, Kaitlynn; go to your room.” Except more blunt.

After all, what do you say after that?