‘Puter decided he’d give media types a hand in identifying the various subspecies of Trump supporters. Media clearly need ‘Puter’s assistance, because their recent attempts at defining Trump supporters waver between uniformed hilarity and vicious condescension.

‘Puter breaks Trump supporters down into four groups, with some subgroups. You may think ‘Puter’s conflated groups that should be separate, separated groups that ought be conflated, or missed groups altogether. ‘Puter doesn’t really give a fig what you think. After all, this is *’Puter’s* Field Guide to Trump Supporters. If you want something different, write up your own.

To be clear, many Trump supporters are good, honest, decent people who truly believe Trump not only means to, but can, make America great again. But too many Trump supporters are suppurating, pestilential sores on the body politic who deserve our scorn and derision. ‘Puter has done his best to make clear which groups are which herein.

1. Genuine Supporters

A large percentage of Trump’s support comes from people who truly believe in him and his message, as difficult as ‘Puter finds that to believe. There are several subgroups within the Genuine Supporters.

‘Puter identifies these subgroups as (1) Down on Their Luckers, (2) Racist Jerks, and (3) Burn It All Downers. Each subgroup believes in Trump, but for very different reasons.

Racist Jerks are, as the name implies, both racist and jerks. While media insists Racist Jerks and the Alt-Right are one and the same, they are not. To be fair, there is significant overlap between the groups, but casting every member of the Alt-Right as racist is about as fair as insisting every Clinton voter is a godless lying Commie, even though many are. Racist Jerks think Trump is their man because he will bring to fruition their insane dream of an America run exclusively by white people for the benefit of white people, minorities be damned. ‘Puter believes Racist Jerks are deluded for any number of reasons, but mostly because Trump for all his flaws hasn’t been screaming like a drunk asshat from South Boston* at Fenway about THE DAHHHHKIES!! and the harm they do to whites. Racist Jerks support zeroing out legal immigration and hunting down anyone with skin darker than theirs as suspected illegal immigrants because, well, because they’re Racist Jerks. David Duke, Neo-Nazis, nativists, and your various and sundry other white power groups fall under this subgroup.

Down On Their Luckers are who most people think of when they think of Trump supporters. Middle aged to elderly white folks who yearn for an America that either never was, or is a hazy memory of only the good parts of the Reagan era. Among these people are many who are unemployed or underemployed as a result of the 2008 Crash, the epic failure of Obama’s Giant Technicolor Stimulus, and eight years of economic punishment and uncertainty brought about by Obama’s overweening, pointy-headed bureaucrats. Down On Their Luckers believe against all evidence that if only we try hard enough, we can recreate a world where Americans were paid well for unskilled manual labor because every other nation’s industrial capacity was destroyed in World War II. It’s a nice dream, but high paying unionized manufacturing jobs are gone, and they’re not coming back. In this subgroup, you find out of work coal miners, nostalgic retirees, and many concerned about liberal values being forced on us by government.

Burn It All Downers are those who want Trump to win because they figure he’s the candidate most likely to cause a collapse of the current corrupt order, forcing a rethinking of America’s entire structure. To ‘Puter, this is the most logical and sound reason to consider voting for Trump. Trump *is* the most likely to immanentize the eschaton, in the same way that getting the Keymaster and the Gatekeeper together freed Zuul from his captivity and brought our destructor, the 50 foot Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man. Large chunks of the non-racist Alt-Right along with certain despairing conservatives make their home in this group.

2. Opportunists

The Opportunists group is comprised of “conservative” media types, such as Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, pretty much the entire FoxNews apparatus, and a jillion of their clones on the local level and to a lesser extent, on the internet.

Opportunists are for the most part execrable people. Opportunists do not support Trump because they honestly believe Trump will Make America Great Again, but because supporting Trump in the short term will Make Their Ratings Great Again. If America were occupied, the people in this group would be the collaborators.

Opportunists actively mislead people about Trump. Opportunists explain away every Trump gaffe and howler with a cacophony of “Trump didn’t mean it!” and “That’s just what the Democrats would have you believe!” Opportunists have mislead a large chunk of the Trump electorate including but not limited to the Down On Their Luckers into believing Trump is (1) conservative, (2) consistent, (3) qualified, and (4) acceptable.

Opportunists have sold their souls and their country to advance their own hopes for greater wealth, power, and/or influence. Opportunists should be shamed at every opportunity before and after the election. Conservatives should remember Opportunists’ betrayal and work against them at every opportunity.

3. Johnnies Come Unwillingly

‘Puter made up a name for this group, and he doesn’t care if it’s ungrammatical or not. Get used to it. ‘Puter’s not changing it, and it describes this group perfectly. Members of this group don’t really like Trump much, if at all. These people came to support Trump after the primaries, and only grudgingly. Johnnies Come Unwillingly are absolutely disgusted with Trump, but are certain a Clinton presidency would be worse – far worse – than electing a liberal, incompetent Trump.

‘Puter breaks the Johnnies Come Unwillingly into two subgroups, the Nose Holders and the Former Never Trumpers.

Nose Holders are people who don’t fit into any other category, and are only voting for Trump because (with good reason) they cannot stomach Hillary Clinton in the White House. Nose Holders’ support of Trump is weak. Think of Nose Holders as less pro-Trump, more anti-Hillary. These folks are not bad people, and so long as they’re not mocking your refusal to vote for Trump should be afforded respect.

‘Puter thought long and hard about where to place the Former Never Trumpers, in this group or in the Opportunists. ‘Puter decided a majority – but not much more than a bare majority – of the Former Never Trumpers came to support Trump in good faith.** There are some good, solid conservatives in this group, so ‘Puter decided to cut the entire group some slack.

Former Never Trumpers are like Nose Holders on meth. Former Never Trumpers hate Trump (and many of Trump’s enablers and voters) for screwing up what should have been an easily won election against Meemaw Emphysema and Her Merry Band of White Collar Criminals.*** Former Never Trumpers over time grudgingly determined to support Trump over Clinton because Clinton would (allegedly) destroy the country they love. ‘Puter sympathizes with this group, but cannot and will not betray his conservative principles to support a man who is no meaningful way conservative.

4. Trump Fluffers

Trump Fluffers**** are those miserable, damned (and damnable) individuals who made it their life’s mission to support a candidate they know to be dangerous and unelectable out of a toxic combination of malice and greed. Most of these people are Trump Fluffers for no reason other than self-aggrandizement and self-enrichment. There is a special place in Hell for this group of people. Trump Fluffers sold their souls, and threw ours in as part of their unholy bargain.

‘Puter knows Trump Fluffers could be considered part of the Opportunists group, but their behavior is so over-the-top, so hateful, ‘Puter felt these special hothouse flowers deserved their own category, so the opprobrium can be better targeted when the time for payback comes. And it will come.

The original Trump Fluffer is Ann Coulter, who hitched her skinny-assed wagon to Trump’s Cheeto Clydesdale early on. Coulter’s sole mission in life is to so firmly attach her lips to Trump’s saggy, cellulite-riddled buttocks that Trump will have no choice but to drag the lamprey-like Coulter to the White House along with him on the off chance he wins. Coulter spent much of this year spewing venom and hatred at anyone who dared question the divine right of Cheeto Jesus.

Chris Christie became a Trump Fluffer, and immediately realized his grave error. One cannot look upon Christie’s stunned face at the presser where Trump made Christie his bitch in front of a national audience without seeing regret and horror writ large.

Sean Hannity gets special treatment, as ‘Puter includes him in two categories. Hannity started as an opportunist, but toward the end of primary season, Hannity went full on Trump Fluffer, rivaling Coulter for leech-like attachment to Cap’n Tinyhands’ shriveled, orange wang. Once Hannity drank the Trump Kool-Aid (orange, natch), Sean Hannity’s FoxNews show became dedicated to explaining to America how dreamy Hannity found Trump, and why America should, too. Hannity went from being horrible for supporting Trump to enrich himself to being horrible for supporting Trump because he believes Trump is the Cheetos-colored messiah. ‘Puter never liked Hannity, but Hannity’s childish, unapologetic support of a horrible candidate and human should ruin his career and make him a pariah in conservative circles.

At the lower end of the Trump Fluffer spectrum is Trump’s internet army of shock troops. Trump’s trolls aren’t important enough to attach themselves to Trump’s ass, but by God, they’re going to do everything they can to try to get there!

These lovely people range from anonymous social media trolls who pile on anyone who dares question Trump’s qualifications to formerly sane and formerly conservative bloggers such as Ace of Spades and Gateway Pundit. ‘Puter’s supposition is that what changed Ace of Spades and Gateway Pundit’s minds on Trump wasn’t some grand revelation that Trump was exactly what America needs, but rather a nice, fat check or two from the Trump campaign or its surrogates in return for endless pro-Trump hackery.*****

Trump Fluffers can die in a fire and then spend eternity continuing their endless immolation-without-consumption in Hell.

And with that lovely image, ‘Puter’s done here. He’s spent enough time, energy, and vitriol on people supporting a false god. There’s no reasoning with those with a dogmatic certainty in the righteousness of their cause and candidate.

It’s almost as if Trump supporters have become the liberals who made a religion out of government (with politicians as self-anointed high priests) Trump supporters claim to hate.

Nah. Couldn’t be.

* Similar to Ace (of Ace of Spades fame (just ask him, he’ll tell you how famous he is)), Trump apologist extraordinaire, who spends his days concern trolling successful conservative pundits like Charles C.W. Cooke in a preachy, obnoxious fashion (though without the casual racism, as far as ‘Puter can tell) and blocking people who call him on his psychotic, destructive behavior and absurd illogic.

** N.B. Many Former Never Trumpers actually are either Opportunists or Trump Fluffers. Do not trust a Former Never Trumper until you have fully evaluated their bona fides for yourself.

*** Bonus reasons Former Never Trumpers hate Trump: he started an intra-party war; his antics allow media to paint all Republicans as racist; he is a bleeding heart liberal; he has fascist tendencies; he doesn’t understand the Constitution or limited government; he believes in an imperial presidency; he’s an alleged fraudster; he’s dangerously ill-informed on policy issues; he’s small, petty, and mean; and he’s actually not a good businessman.

**** For those not intimately familiar with the pr0n industry’s inner workings, a fluffer is a person whose job it is to keep the male “stars” aroused during down times in shooting, usually by performing oral sex on the “star” in question.

***** ‘Puter has no evidence to support this supposition. That said, it’s one of the few explanations that makes sense of Ace and Gateway’s quick turn to the dark side. And, if ‘Puter’s supposition is correct, their behavior as undisclosed paid shills for Trump on a mission to turn conservatives from within deserves scorn, mockery, and permanent shunning.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.