Thank you for your encouraging alert on the changing tide of literary criticism. I find myself relatively unexposed to that field, but it seems that whenever I encounter it, I come away incensed with the intellectual laziness that fills it.

It ’s odd, the small things that irritate one. Abuse of sense and logic do it in every field of thought, but in literary criticism, it seems to strike me more deeply. I attribute that to the respect Br. Joel and my other English teachers earned at dear old Bishop Kelley. They, perhaps, set the bar too high by which I judge others. I felt a disproportionate sense of relief on reading your post.

At any rate, you have encouraged me and brightened my day, and I thank you.

Operative SMR

First off, I apologize for selfishly imposing my retrograde gender binary salutation upon you Castle-Dwellers. For all I know, you two could be flouncing around down at the Leaping Peacock giving a whole new meaning to the song “Ladies Night.”

(By the way, are we absolutely sure “zhe” is not identifying more like a cockless “peahen”? Damn that cis-gendered bird.)

Unlike the peacocks and peahens of the world, our betters in the Obama administration understand that, as Mr. Puter so elegantly put it, “the enschlonged mentally ill” are completely interchangeable with those of us, as Ricky Bobby so elegantly put it, who have “mysterious lady parts.” All that’s required is for all us hicks-with-hang-ups [trademark pending!], to just get over it already.

As a community service to hicks-with-hang-ups [trademark pending!] everywhere, I’ve come up with a few pointers to help them on their way to a more enlightened state:

1. Right to privacy
   1. As discovered in the Constitution and man-splained by the all-male (at least according to the photos) Supreme Court in Roe v. Wade, a woman’s right to privacy is complete and inviolate when she wants an abortion on demand.
   2. A woman’s right to privacy ceases to exist when she’s showering buck-nekkid in a locker-room. Nope. Never existed. No, sir. A well-regulated showering atmosphere being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of a person-with-penis to BARE “schlongs” shall not be infringed.
2. Feelings, nothing more than feelings….
   1. The feelings of gays, lesbians and those afflicted by gender dysphoria must never, ever be bruised, challenged, etc. NO feathers may be ruffled, whether worn in a drag parade or as an identity. For example, someone might say to you: “I feel that I was born in the wrong body—I identify as a peacock.” A proper response would be: ”My, how very courageous.” Followed by a nice, inclusive hug. Assuming you have affirmative consent. In writing.
   2. Any feelings held by Christian bakers, florists, photographers, etc. that marriage is between a man and a woman…. Wait, you’re serious? People think that today???
   3. The feelings of teenaged girls in high schools everywhere, matter not. You’re embarrassed??? Well, then you must have body image issues.
      1. Exception: If you are a member of a certain religion where the females are often “encouraged” to wear hijabs, then you will never, ever be forced to surrender your modesty in the presence of “the enschlonged mentally ill.” Your feelings count, but not those of Christian, fundamentalist hicks-with-hang-ups [trademark pending!].
   4. A person-with-penis exposes said penis to woman on college campus. Woman calls cop. Cop arrests “pervert” for indecent exposure. Woman goes to “safe space” on campus, draws in a coloring book, talks to other women about trauma and the evils of male-domination. Other women validate her feelings. She feels better.
3. Whom to believe???
   1. According to “Dear Colleague” letters sent to schools and universities, a woman who claims to have been sexually assaulted must always be believed.
   2. A male frat boy at UVA or a member of the Duke lacrosse team, must never, ever be believed when denying that he is a rapist. Because even if he didn’t rape “Jackie,” he’s probably raped somebody else.
   3. A person-with-penis getting buck-nekkid in a women’s locker-room, must always be believed, accepted, validated. As long as said person-with-penis “identifies” as female. Lorta like in the Wizard of Oz, pay no attention to that “man.”

Modest proposal for the Departments of Education and Justice—y’all might want to apply the “Malia & Sasha” test to any future rules, threats, prosecutions, etc. You know, would POTUS & FLOTUS be happy with your rules being applied to their teen-aged daughters??? You know, are they totally cool with “the enschlonged mentally ill” dropping trou, and showering with the first daughters? And you want colleges and universities to refrain from asking about an applicant’s past dealings with criminal justice system? Fine by me, but only if Malia’s freshman roommate at Harvard is “justice-involved” person-with-penis. Hey, Obama family, lead by example!!!

I remain,
Yours from the Doublewide,
JAB