North Korea hates being ignored. And with all this talk of war between Saudi Arabia and Iran, with Russian declaring (finally!) that America is a threat to its ridiculous interests, the Norks are getting a little itchy, ya know?

A good fix for this is to set off some sizable explosion, even non-nuclear (but it wouldn’t surprise the Czar if there was some nuclear fission going on), and call it a successful hydrogen bomb test. The Czar will only say if it was a fusion bomb, then it was the smallest ever. Congrats on the miniaturization, guys!

The Czar has long described North Korea as China’s crazy, drunk uncle: you know he’s out there, and you only invite him to the most necessary family parties because everyone knows he’s going to do something stupid and offend everybody (including bringing a hydrogen bomb to the party), and they’re all going to be looking at you because you invited him, after all. And this is why you avoid him most of the time. Of course, everybody thinks you have all this influence over him (“Can’t you talk to him? About acting a little less crazy? You know how he listens to you, dear…”), but really he’s never listened to anybody but the idiot voice in his head. So you roll your eyes and lie, saying you’ll talk to him.

But there’s more to North Korea than this, and the Czar wants to explain it all.

China doesn’t like North Korea. In fact, she absolutely hates those morons to the south, and very likely dislikes them more than Americans do (largely for racial reasons: Americans like Koreans just fine, but the Chinese—ehh, to them, the Koreans are less than ideal humans, racially).

But here’s what China really sees: North Korea is a cash cow just waiting to be exploited. Beach front property, basically abandoned.

China doesn’t like North Korea—what it likes is what America did to South Korea after the Korean War. For a minimal investment of time and cash, America transformed Korea from a war-torn hole in the ground to a major economic power, with millionaires and billionaires, all in a few years.

China wants that, oh, so badly. China sees an eventual North Korean powerhouse, unified with South Korea, ordering billions of dollars worth of products and services…from China, and not America.

So China keeps North Korea close as a phenomenal long-term investment. Yes, China would be happy to see the Kim government collapse and a new North Korean government go begging to the world. Not enough to cause this to happen of course: that’s not how China works. China plays a long game (see Hong Kong and Taiwan), and wants their puppets to come to them.

After all, China sees how spectacularly terrible Russia tries to acquire property: the whole world hates Russia, puts them under sanctions, and punishes them economically. China’s economy is paper-thin, and she can’t afford any of that. So they wait patiently for North Korea to fall on its own.

No, she doesn’t want North Korea as a new Chinese province; she merely wants a reliable trading partner like the United States has with South Korea, Japan, and Singapore. A source of external income. A lot of income. Business only.

Alternatively, China can also wait for the United States to lose interest in South Korea. That hasn’t exactly happened yet, but we’ve been closer to that than ever. As Obama’s America retreats from Asia, China is expanding her influence. And she would strongly prefer a world in which South Korea decides to do serious business with China.

Really, it’s all about the money. Eventually, yes, North Korea will collapse. China hopes peacefully, but it would be okay with America or some other country doing the damage to them. After all, rebuilding a war-torn country is worth cash, too. But if one sleepy morning, the North Koreans decided to hang up their stupidity and join the 20th Century, well, China could have building supplies, men, material, coffee, cigarettes, liquor, porn, and whatever a new country needs in trucks in just a couple of hours. Before the Americans get there.

In other words, China doesn’t like North Korea because they’re both dingbat communists: China sees North Korea as a multi-billion-dollar fixer-upper. And she will tolerate Drunk Uncle Nork as long as she has to until he vacates the house and that deal signs. Even if it takes another 60 years.