The Czar likes to post movie reviews on their actual opening weekends, just in case our loyal readers are sorta on the fence about seeing the movie. Of course, this review is for Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and the Czar will guarantee you that if you’re on the fence about seeing this movie, you won’t get tickets this opening weekend anyway.

The Czar took the family last night to a small theater outside Muscovy that normally shows third-run dollar shows and art pictures. It’s a great theater—old-fashioned and old timey, with comfy seats and beautiful artwork and detailing everywhere. Normally, this theater is lucky to get 50 people at a showing, but management decided to spend the money and get a first-run title; the theater was utterly packed. The Czar has heard from other Gormogons that their theaters were also packed. This movie is a killer.

But hey, it’s Star Wars, right? The Czar was impressed at how much more fun a Star Wars-franchise is in the theater. People applaud for the craziest things: the LucasFilms logo, the “In a galaxy…” title card, the opening bang of John Williams’ completely recycled score, and the famous prologue perspective crawl. And the end music, too.

Fans now have to learn a whole bunch more crazy names, like Joonas Suotamo, Lupita Nyong’o, Aslihan Gulen, Tosin Cole, Miltos Yerolemou, and Iko Uwais—and those are just the actors’ real names. The Czar has no clue who plays what in Star Wars movies, since you’re just supposed to know that the funky character is called Teedo, and he’s played by Kiran Shah. There seems to be a Star Wars name generator that comes up with these names.

Okay, now to your questions.

Does this movie spend 45 minutes explaining trade contract law and why George W. Bush is basically the worst human ever?

This movie does not; it goes back to the simple libertarians = good/fascists = bad set up it turns out you really appreciated in the original movies.

Is this movie too scary for my hamster?

Yes. Most rodents should be left at home due to heavy reliance on the colors black, white, and red, which are frightening for many color-reduced rodentia.

Does this movie encompass the diversity of transgenderism, quasi-sexuality, and non-heteronormative expressionism?

Yeah, pretty much every weird-ass alien thing you can think of shows up and gets butchered by a storm trooper. It’s awesome.

Speaking of which, how badly do storm troopers shoot in this movie?

Surprisingly, the storm troopers are very good shots in this movie, and actually perform like individuals who have had actual military training since Episode IV. In fact, most of them seem to hit their targets, so how about that?

Is that little soccer-ball robot as stupid as it looks?

One rumor the Czar heard proved to be quite true: the little ball droid is pretty well-done, with an important part to play throughout the movie, and it’s a pretty capable and clever little thing. There’s finally a droid in one of these movies you don’t roll your eyes at, and that your kids will like.

What about every other rumor?

Totally false. In fact, the Czar salutes the production team for leaking out as much disinformation as they did. Nearly every rumor circulating out there is wrong, and pretty much all the major surprises remain intact. Indeed, the Czar’s boys are a little miffed at their friends (who haven’t seen it yet) for getting nearly every plot point wrong.

My mother really wants to see this movie because she likes to throw paint at the screen every time Joonas Suotamo is on. Should I take her?

You can’t tell when he’s on the screen so she won’t get much satisfaction here.

Bottom line: should I be scared of seeing this in a theater?

Hard to say. There were no jackasses in costumes at our showing, and many theaters are posting NO COSTUMES notices to keep out the dork factor. GorT, we understand, had to leave his Amidala wig at home in case anyone sits behind him at the theater. Of course, he’s eight-feet-tall, so he probably isn’t the best robot to sit behind anyway. Dr. J. had an uncomfortable moment when he had to explain to the management that he doesn’t wear a costume—this is really how he dresses. Of course, a little force lightning goes a long way to prove that point.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.