Speaking of GorT, he did the Czar a really big favor recently. Stuck for a vacation spot, the Czar complained that all the good places really worth taking the kids to were pretty much not all that great anymore.

“Well, you know,” GorT replied, “The advantage of time travel is that you can visit places when they were pretty cool. Or when they become cool.” The Czar asked for an example, and the lengthy robot replied that the Czar should take his boys to 1984.

The Czar agreed, and we spent a wonderful time in the Summer of 1984. The boys appreciated the optimism the country had, and the fact that most people were happy to have paying jobs. Jerkiness was quite low, compared to today, and they thought it was incredible that so many good movies were in theaters right now. And the Czar thought about this, and asked them what things they would tell their young friends about the 1980s. The Czar was surprised they didn’t mention the fashions (good and bad), or the overly feathered haircuts. Here’s what they came up with:

• Televisions were a lot smaller than you’d expect. Even in a big family room, the biggest television was this boxy little 20-incher.
• Also, there were only like five channels.
• They were practically giving gas away.
• Cars were boxy and square, with a lot of sharp edges and not a lot of crash padding. If you got into an accident, you would probably not do very well.
• There weren’t as many old people around.
• Churches are crowded! There were more services on Sunday, too, than today.
• People seems to really like using maps and seem to give pretty good directions to places. No one uses GPS here.
• There sure was a lot of different stuff on the radio. A lot of different channels to listen to, even though reception is pretty bad everywhere.
• Where are the recycling bins?
• Parking spaces seem a lot wider. Like you could open a car door and not ding the door next to you.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.