What follows is a piece on immigration reform ‘Puter wrote way back on 31 January 2014. ‘Puter thinks it has held up well, particularly those portions detailing ‘Puter’s immigration reform package. Read on, and enjoy.

Conservatives are uptight, and rightly so, about immigration reform.  Based on past experience, conservatives know two things. First, Democrats will never, ever enforce immigration law or close the border unless Republicans make Democrats do so before implementing Democrats’ wish list. Second, Washington’s Republicans have no problem selling out the base on an issue that benefits them directly, regardless of harm to the nation.*

But too many conservatives are unrealistic about immigration.  They’re unrealistic about what’s possible, and they’re unrealistic about their footing. Extremist positions (e.g., round everyone up and send them all home) make bad law. Just look at ObamaCare.

There are estimated to be 11 million illegal aliens in the United States.  The number has been relatively stable because President Obama and the Democrats have managed to do the near impossible: keep America’s economy in the crapper for five straight years.  Since the economy sucks, some illegals gave up and went home and fewer illegals are sneaking into America.

America doesn’t have the resources to find, arrest, try and deport 11 million anything, much less humans.  Furthermore, a large majority of Americans are going to be sympathetic to the sob stories Democrats and their media henchmen dredge up about jackbooted ICE thugs breaking down Abuela Maria’s door and dragging her out of her wheelchair in front of her United States citizen grandchildren. Uncomfortable comparisons to America’s internment of Japanese Americans will arise, rightly or wrongly, and public opinion will turn.

Shorter, conservatives can forget about deporting 11 million illegals. It’s not going to happen, no way, no how.  The political will to do so is nonexistent, and public opinion will not support mass deportations. The question becomes what is conservatives’ best option to make the best of a bad situation.

Here’s ‘Puter’s plan for how to deal with these 11 million people: **

• Set a cutoff date. Illegals in America on or before the cutoff date can stay, provided they can prove they were here and meet basic eligibility criteria. All other illegals must leave the United States.
• Make illegally returning to the United States after deportation a federal felony for which illegals must serve a minimum 10 year prison sentence. Illegal presence in the United States after passage of immigration reform results in a mandatory one year prison sentence and immediate deportation thereafter. Allow states to opt in to enforce this law in state courts without federal intervention.
• All illegals in the United States must register in person with the government. Illegals will be photographed, fingerprinted, provide DNA samples and retina scans. Illegals must also submit to a criminal background check both in the United States and in their home country. Any felony charge or any violent history results in immediate deportation without hearing.
• Registered illegals will be issued a biometric identification card which they must carry with them at all times. Tampering with, selling or fraudulently creating such identification results in immediate deportation. Citizens who do the same commit a felony with a minimum 10 year prison sentence.
• Registered illegals must produce identification on demand to law enforcement officials. Law enforcement officials may request identification from a presumed illegal on an articulable suspicion of illegal presence rather than a probable cause standard. Law enforcement officers are subject to personal damages and jail time if it is found after trial they use this new power to unnecessarily harass or intimidate illegals.
• Registered illegals may work and travel freely within the United States. Employers must run the identification cards through a federal database (because the government is so good with websites) before hiring, and report the illegal immediately if he is not in the database.
• Registered illegals may not travel outside the United States for any reason. After all, if they want to be here so badly, they can stay. ‘Puter doesn’t care if they want to go home for a parent’s funeral. Once out, never back in. If a registered illegal leaves the country, he will not be readmitted. It’s that simple.
• Registered illegals will not be considered permanent residents. Registered illegals will not have a pathway to citizenship of any kind. To those who will whine that it’s not fair and it’s dehumanizing, tough toenails. We’re letting registered illegals keep what they stole: life in America and knowledge that their children born here will be United States citizens.
• Registered illegals will be subject to full taxation, but ineligible for federal benefits of any sort. This includes welfare, food assistance, housing assistance, Medicaid, ObamaCare, unemployment, Social Security, etc.***
• Registered illegals may not vote in federal or state elections. Registered illegals may not own firearms. Registered illegals may not sit on juries. Registered illegals may not hold government jobs of any sort.
• Registered illegals may attend school, if otherwise eligible. Registered illegals may own property. Registered illegals may get state licenses (e.g., driver’s licenses, professional licenses) on the same terms and conditions as citizens.
• If states wish to provide welfare benefits to illegals, they may do so, but are not required to do so. No federal funds of any sort may be used by states to provide benefits to illegals.
• So called DREAMers will be permanent residents with all appurtenant rights, except they will never be citizens. Like illegals, their reward is their children will be full United States citizens.
• If illegals or DREAMers are convicted of or plead nolo contendere to a felony or violent misdemeanor, they will be deported after serving their full sentence.
• Government will provide English language instruction free of charge to registered illegals.

‘Puter’s plan accomplishes two important goals: determining exactly who is in the United States and normalizing without reward illegals America’s never going to deport.

If you think ‘Puter’s program’s harsh, you’re wrong.  Illegals simply have to choose whether they want to stay in the United States under the conditions America’s offering or leave. Beggars can’t be choosers.  America’s not forcing illegals to stay against their will.  Illegals get to choose their own destiny, just like when they chose to ignore our laws and sneak in (or overstay) in the first instance.

And before you write to ‘Puter with your all caps rant about how he’s a RINO sellout and not a “true” conservative because he thinks we have to deal with 11 million illegals, don’t bother. You can suck it, you shortsighted, dim-witted bitter ender. Being a big boy means recognizing reality sucks, sorting through the shit to find a few pearls and making the least bad choice available.

You’re not being a True Conservative^TM by pretending choices are available when they aren’t. You’re being a true moron.

* ‘Puter thinks this assessment of Washington politicians is a bit harsh, but there is a grain of truth to it.  Establishment Republicans are the establishment precisely because they have a better read on what’s possible on a national level and what’s detrimental to the party on a national level. You can rant and rave all you want, but 95 times out of a hundred, the DC dealmaker knows better than the guy or gal figuratively screaming in ‘Puter’s Twitter feed about RINOs.

** ‘Puter’s plan assumes as a condition precedent America’s southern border is effectively closed prior to any other portion of the plan being implemented. Fool ‘Puter once, shame on you. Fool ‘Puter twice, he publishes the 127 hours of uninterrupted footage he has from spycams Sleestak installed in your house.

*** If Democrats want 11 million poor illegals in the country so badly, fine. Let Democrats donate to charities formed to provide for this new population. Republicans as a general rule are already donating to charities, because they don’t view paying taxes to have the government do stuff as meeting their moral obligation to do charitable works personally.  And shut up already, because studies show that Republicans donate to charity at a far greater rate and in far greater amounts than do Democrats. Even liberal New York Times columnist Nicholas Kristof admits it.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.