‘Puter, Czar and the Crypt Keeptrix take a field trip to visit Princess Unikitty.

‘Puter’s been busy herding cats and doing other folks’ jobs for them over the last several days. As such, he hasn’t had much time to cogitate on current events.  In ‘Puter’s own inimitable, ADHD addled style, here are a few thoughts.

• Don’t bite people unless you’re involved in a literal fight to the death.
• Especially don’t bite people in front of a live audience of 40,000 or so spectators, an opposing 11 man team, four officials, 32 television cameras and a worldwide television audience of millions.
• Really especially don’t bite people if you’re a Uruguayan soccer player who’s already been banned twice for biting opponents.
• The Lego Movie is exceedingly good. ‘Puter especially liked Princess Unikitty. ‘Puter like Princess Unikitty even more when she got angry.
• ‘Puter couldn’t care less about the Mississippi Senate primary. Cochran’s horrible, as is McDaniels. No Democrat is going to win a statewide race in Mississippi any time soon, but a McDaniels win would’ve made that more likely.
• The IRS scandal is trouble for Obama and the Democrats because it’s completely accessible to Americans. Government used its power to screw over innocent Americans, covered it up, destroyed evidence and lied to Congress. It’s going to be tough for Obama to do his usual “I didn’t know anything about it, but I’ll totally fix it after I’ve gone golfing” song and dance here.
• ‘Puter received some vodka as a gift recently. Apparently, “Kutskova” is Russian for “refinery dregs.” Still, never look gift booze in the mouth.
• The VA scandal is a larger scandal than the IRS scandal (it has a body count), but most Americans aren’t affected by the VA, so it won’t hurt Obama as badly as it ought.
• Washington, DC’s local government has become even more of a parody of liberal tax and spend politics, enacting a yoga tax. ‘Puter can’t wait for the tax on Mommy and Me classes.
• ‘Puter really needs to get his secretary Ms. McGee on the Gormogons’ health insurance plan. She seems to have back problems, as ‘Puter always catches her arching her back in her skin tight blouse or touching her toes in her favorite micro miniskirt whenever he’s around. Poor girl. ‘Puter knows back problems.
• There is a large populist streak on both the right and the left, and God help our political class if the two sides ever figure out there’s a heck of a lot they agree on and unite to clean house.
• Obama set out to be a transformative president, and he has accomplished his goal. Unfortunately for America, Obama didn’t tell us his goal was to weaken the country militarily, economically and diplomatically.
• Grilling on charcoal is superior to grilling on propane. However, in normally frigid Upstate New York, one must make allowances during our eight months of winter and use propane.

That’s all ‘Puter’s got for now. He’s got to go put out fires rapidly springing up in his in box. ‘Puter’s also got to go get Princess Unikitty tattooed on his back, right next to his Hello Kitty thug life tattoo.

Make it a ‘Puteriffic day!

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.