Surely by now you have been treated to the unassailable wisdom of Jesse A. Myerson, Super Genius. Mr. Myerson shared his keen economic insights with Americans on the pages of that renowned financial publication, Rolling Stonein an article titled simply Five Economic Reforms Millennials Should Be Fighting For.

Mr. Myerson’s five point plan* for totally guaranteed or double your money back economic recovery is as follows, with some ‘Puter-licious commentary.  Please refrain from looking directly at Mr. Myerson’s plan, as its brilliance shines with the light of a thousand suns, and ‘Puter wouldn’t want you to damage your retinas.

1.         Guaranteed Work for Everybody: “Unemployment blows.” No, really. That’s how Mr. Myerson starts his five point plan, with a crass reference to oral sex. ‘Puter guesses that’s one way to go, but he would’ve led with something different, like a crass reference to butt sex.  Mr. Myerson contends that a modern Works Progress Administration would, like, totally help or something with the gridiron thingie that carries all those electricities.

And, as surely as the sun rises in the East, Mr. Myerson calls for not only a “job guarantee,” but – you guessed it – a “living wage” for said guaranteed job. Raising the minimum wage to a “living wage” (liberal politician code for whatever unionized pay is in the area) guarantees simply that the alleged poor will have more money, not that their purchasing power will increase.

See, Mr. Myerson, when the guy that wrangles the copiers at ‘Puter’s office gets a significant wage increase, ‘Puter’s marching his pleasantly plump attorney butt into the company president’s office and politely demanding a commensurate wage increase since ‘Puter’s skills are (1) rarer and (2) more valuable to his company than the aforementioned copier wrangler. This would happen all over the county, from large employers to small, meaning vendors would have to raise prices to recover their cost of production. And that means higher prices for everyone, including those paid a “living wage,” which suddenly isn’t so livable anymore.  Sure, burnouts like yourself would have more money, but they still can’t afford the stuff they want/need (new screens for your bong?) because prices have increased due to your head up your anal sphincter scheme.

Mr. Myerson invites us to “imagine a world where people could contribute the skills that inspire them … rather than telemarketing or whatever other stupid tasks bosses need done to supplement their millions.” Yes, let’s imagine such a world. To ‘Puter, it’d look an awful lot like the hot mess that was the Occupy Wall Street protest, with unwashed hippies “sharing” their awesome drum circle skills with passers-by unlucky enough to work or live in the area while doing bong hits and taking dumps in the planters.  Also, rape!

2.         Social Security for All: Mr. Myerson informs us in his light hearted manner that “as much as unemployment blows, so do jobs.” Mr. Myerson next shares a brilliant insight that every two year old in America’s had at one time or another: just give everyone some monies and then nobody’s the poor.  See how simple that is?

“Dude, that’s a totally great plan! Pass the crack pipe over here.”

There’s one simple problem with Mr. Myerson’s genius. He makes no proposal as to how to fund his guaranteed universal income. ‘Puter’s reasonably certain that, if pressed, Mr. Myerson would simply say we need to raise taxes on the rich to provide everyone his fair share of America’s wealth.

Um, yeah.  Here in America, we have a word for that: communism.  And while you may have grooved on the notion while doing ecstasy in the filthy dance club’s restroom stall, communism hasn’t really worked out so well in practice.  Well, at least not for the ninety-nine percent Mr. Myerson purports to champion. See, e.g., Soviet Union, China, Myanmar, Vietnam, Venezuela and all of Eastern Europe from 1945-1989.

3.         Take Back the Land: “Ever noticed how much landlords blow?” No, Mr. Myerson, ‘Puter hadn’t noticed. For the most part, ‘Puter’d noticed men and women who worked hard to provide affordable places to live for their tenants, but then ‘Puter’s an idiot. Do tell. ‘Puter’s rapt.

Landlords just “claim ownership of buildings” and “charge people … the majority of our incomes for the privilege of staying in boxes … .”  We also learn from Mr. Myerson’s stellar intellect that landlords frequently sell properties at a profit and then reinvest the proceeds of sale into new, better properties. Heaven forfend!  Mr. Myerson believes the sole value of a landlord’s property is its proximity to public improvements, and that therefore everyone has a rightful claim in the property of others.

Mr. Myerson, we’ve tried that before. It’s only when property rights became recognized that man began his long slog toward producing the end goal of all civilization: you. In the absence of property rights, it’s a free-for-all. If you don’t think things are fair now, think about how fair things will be when the strong and/or armed can just come help themselves to your belongings, up to and including the weed you stash up your five hole. Didn’t think we rich One Percenters knew about that, huh?

Mr. Myerson suggests such great ideas as government ownership of all land and a property tax. First, government can’t manage land for crap because it has to please the whims of politicians. Ever notice that wildfires are burning hotter and with greater frequency? It’s because eco-hippies like you prevent the Forest Service from logging the mature trees and clearing the undergrowth with controlled burns. Yet you think government will do a bang up job running the entirety of the United States, including such bright spots as Detroit and Buffalo. That’s precious. Second, we already do have a property tax, dipstick. ‘Puter shells out nearly $8,000 each year on a house that’s assessed at $197,000. ‘Puter’s already paying more than his fair share to support freeloading junkies like Mr. Myerson who can, with all due respect, suck ‘Puter’s love hog.

4.         Make Everything Owned by Everybody: “Hoarders blow.” OK. Got it, Mr. Myerson.  Here’s where Mr. Myerson gets his Marxist on.

So, these guys, the “infamous one percent” who own the “capital stock of this country” totally forced “horrific inequality” on us.  Any more of those hash brownies left, Wildflower? And then, like, the One Percenters, they totally like bogart the “building and equipment that workers use to produce goods and services” and even more totally bogart the “stocks and bonds that represent ownership over the former.” Now where’d I leave my pants? Dude, not funny. My legs are talking to me and I need to cover them up.

Mr. Myerson’s solution? Have the government buy up all the stocks and bonds and thingies so that we all, like, totally own everything! Mind. Blown.

This idea’s so patently stupid, ‘Puter’s uncertain what if anything to say about it.  Instead, ‘Puter will rely on his readers’ native intelligence to see the emperor’s new clothes for what they are.  ‘Puter guesses he’ll call communism on Mr. Myerson, though his heart’s not really in it. Nationalize the means of production? Check. When may we expect you to boxcar off all the pesky naysayers to America’s gulag, Boston, Mr. Myerson?

Also, please note the gratuitous dig at Sarah Palin by referencing Levi Johnston in this segment of Mr. Myerson’s colonic output economic theory.

5.         A Public Bank in Every State: “You know what else really blows? Wall Street.” Yup. ‘Puter was certain this was coming. After all, what’s a Marxist tirade without blaming the people that helped build this country by making capital available widely to all?

Mr. Myerson just knows for sure that this time, it’ll be different. The state will just pick winners and losers by diverting a state’s “surplus wealth toward its most socially valuable uses.” ‘Puter’s sure Mr. Myerson would just love to see how Texas governor Rick Perry would put all that “surplus wealth” to use. ‘Puter’s hoping Gov. Perry would place a bounty on the head of each addle-pated numb-nuts who puts forth tried-and-failed plans to redistribute wealth, even though Mr. Myerson’s totally sure it’s for the children.

Well, butter ‘Puter’s biscuits, if that ain’t the darndest thing! A simpering, emasculated, metrosexual, Fill-in-the-Blank-Studies major has completely solved what millennia of humans have not been able to achieve: Utopia!

And there you have it.  Proof positive that American education, in the words of the esteemed Mr. Myerson, blows. This dain bramaged specimen of a human seems to have managed to navigate our education system just fine.

Well, you can keep your Communist Manifesto, Pajama BoyMr. Myerson. ‘Puter lived through the Carter presidency and he doesn’t need to see that horror show again.

‘Puter was going to end his rant, but since Mr. Myerson’s so ignorant of his own ignorance, please allow ‘Puter to correct his work product.  Here’s a five point plan that might have a chance of actually bettering the lives of millions of Americans.  As an act of kindness, ‘Puter decided to work with the horse shit work product Mr. Myerson spattered on the pages of Rolling Stone rather than thoroughly depantsing him with a full takedown of his idiocy.

Behold, ‘Puter’s Five Economic Reforms Millennials Should Be Fighting For.**

1.         Available Work At Fair Pay For Those With Adequate Skills: ‘Puter’s said this before, and as recently as last night. ‘Puter’ll be worried about the United States economy when college graduates with engineering degrees can’t find work. See, engineers are the people that build things and employ people like the high-skilled ‘Puter (someone’s got to prepare the engineers’ contracts) and the low-skilled Mr. Myerson (someone’s got to empty the engineer’s chamber pots).

2.         Social Security For Those Unable To Work At Any Job And The Elderly Poor: No one gets a free ride on the backs of others if that person can work.  If you really want your hippie-fied guaranteed income, learn a skill and show some effort. ‘Puter’s all for helping the retarded and the blind and the indigent elderly who are no longer physically or mentally capable of work. To be fair, many retarded citizens and nearly every blind citizen would dearly love to work, and many do, instead of existing on the labor of others.  There’s a word for this: “adult.”

3.         Property Rights #FTW (Real Property): Government should vigorously protect and enforce property rights, stepping in only to prevent manifest injustice and not to redistribute wealth or socially engineer.  Know what happens when everyone owns the land? It gets raped. Look at the fisheries, for example. Or the passenger pigeon or bison. Those are all owned by the people, and the people took as much as they could get, to the point they killed them all (or nearly all) off. America has property rights because it rewards owners for their industry, aligning self-interest with the good of society. After all, if Mr. Myerson’s landlord didn’t offer him shelter at an affordable price, it’s beyond belief that Mr. Myerson either could or would figure out how to provide for himself. Like it or not, hippies, property rights protected by the rule of law is the best system we’ve found.  Communal ownership, not so much.

4.         Property Rights #FTW, Part Dos (Personal Property, Including Businesses): Government should stay the Hell out of business, since they’ve proven they can’t even run a website well.  If you build your business, you can keep your business, including the right to its property and profit. Only if you’ve got skin the game do you get a vote, whether the skin be sweat equity (working your ass off 24/7 for years to start (or build) a business) or financial equity (enabling the aforementioned assless business builders to actually buy stuff and pay employees to start (or build) a business).  Inexperienced know-it-alls who second guess titans of business from the comfort of their taxpayer funded hovels can suck it.  The real world’s pay to play, chump, and if you don’t like it, build your own successful business and run it any damned way you want to run it.  This is still America, and we still have freedom to do whatever we set our minds to do. At least until Mr. Myerson gets his way.

5.         No Taxpayer Financed Handouts For Hippies Too Lazy To Work: Just because people make money from hard work doesn’t mean you somehow have a claim to it. Get educated, get off your ass and get a damned job.  If you can’t find a job, start your own business. Make yourself valuable to someone, even if it means scrubbing toilets or teaching Fill-in-the-Blank Studies to stoned losers who were socially promoted through the education system because their teachers got tired of the stank of patchouli and reefer. And forget about a “public bank,” dirt bag. We’re cutting off the flow of money to the unwilling to work. Starvation and exposure have a way of focusing the mind of the youth very quickly. One might even say efficiently.

That’s ‘Puter’s thoughts on the matter. And if Mr. Myerson’s fellow travelers don’t like it, they can suck it.

Like The Czar.

* Motto: “Every Communist has one!”

** Here’s a freebie, kid. Don’t end a headline with a preposition. Sure, your critical race theory professor told you grammar was a tool of The Man used to keep Blacks down, but most successful people at least attempt to use proper grammatical structures if for no other reason than to show respect for their readers.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.