‘Puter’s more liberal friends, which is to say every friend except his fellow Gormogons, cannot fathom why ‘Puter would be suspicious of the latest push to restrict legal gun ownership in the United States. 

After all, all good and right-thinking liberals believe deeply that without further reducing ‘Puter’s God-given and Constitutionally enshrined right to keep and bear arms, no child anywhere will ever be safe. So ‘Puter must be a horrible person, a hater of children, puppies and rainbow-farting unicorns, to oppose liberals’ latest schemes.

Look, people. ‘Puter has no problem with government restriction of his (and every Americans’) Second Amendment right to keep and bear arms. ‘Puter merely expects that restriction of his Second Amendment rights will be put to the same test government restrictions of his First Amendment rights: strict scrutiny.

That is, so long as a law or regulation restricting ‘Puter’s Second Amendment rights (i) is justified by a compelling government interest, and (ii) is narrowly tailored to achieve the compelling government  interest; and (iii) is the least restrictive means of achieving the compelling government interest, the law or regulation is just hunky-dory with ‘Puter.

But nothing liberals have proposed thus far comes anywhere close to meeting that standard.  Liberals have retreated to the same ineffective and meaningless proposals they have always advocated, which proposals ultimately boil down to “ban all guns,” or some variant thereof.

Liberals’ words and actions regarding gun control prove one thing and one thing only: liberals are too stupid to be trusted with protecting anyone’s Constitutional rights.

Here are but a few examples of genius liberals “debating” gun control:

1. Reinstate the Assault Weapons Ban (AWB) and no one will ever die again.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) proposed a renewal of the mercifully expired 1994 Assault Weapons Ban, but now made gooder and more thorougher through the judicious application of liberal know-it-all-ism.

Sen. Feinstein proposes an outright ban on 120 firearms, along with any weapon having any one of the named “military characteristics” from the 1994 AWB.

So, if your pistol is semi-automatic and has a magazine that attaches outside the grip, banned. If the pistol is a semi-automatic version of a fully automatic firearm, banned. If your pistol weighs more than 50 ounces unloaded, banned.

If your rifle is semi-automatic and has a folding stock, banned. If your rifle has a pistol grip, banned. If your rifle is capable of firing rifle grenades, banned. If your rifle has a thumbhole stock, banned.

At least Sen. Feinstein’s not advocating immediate confiscation of your weapons, like some other ass-clowns ‘Puter could mention (and does, below).  At least not yet.  While Sen. Feinstein’s proposed legislation permits grandfathering of firearms legally possessed on the date of her AWB’s enactment, legal owners must register any such newly non-compliant firearm under the National Firearms Act, including submitting to a full background check, requiring government notification of any sale, your state’s approval of you owning such registered firearm and your provision of a photograph and your fingerprint. 

‘Puter guesses he should just take his liberal friends and Sen. Feinstein at their word that there’s no way a government would ever misuse a firearms registry in order to confiscate ‘Puter’s firearms. It is also good to know that the federal government is so very good at protecting individuals’ private information from others, not to mention from media.

Yeah. Clearly this legislation is designed to provide ‘Puter’s Second Amendment rights the constitutionally required protections they deserve. 

Worse, this legislation will have absolutely no effect on mass shooting, as America’s experience with the 1994 AWB showed, as even the liberal Washington Post admits.

So there you have it. Liberals want to enact poorly designed laws that severely restrict Americans’ Second Amendment rights, yet do not reduce mass shootings, liberals stated goal. ‘Puter eagerly awaits Sen. Feinstein’s National Penis Registration Act of 2013 (NPR), a well-thought out and narrowly tailored attempt to prevent mass shootings of an entirely different sort.

2. Confiscate guns and no one will ever die again.

Liberals up to and including ‘Puter’s own governor Andrew Cuomo have made this utterly stupid and openly fascist argument.  This notion is so patently unconstitutional and so un-American, it shouldn’t require any rebuttal except pointing one’s finger at the advocate, then unleashing mocking laughter and public derision at him. Unfortunately, liberals are making this argument with a straight face, so ‘Puter must address it.

Gov. Cuomo said, as reported by the notoriously unreliable conservative and gun rights mouthpiece the New York Times:

In the interview, Mr. Cuomo did not offer specifics about the measures he might propose, but, while discussing assault weapons, he said: “Confiscation could be an option. Mandatory sale to the state could be an option. Permitting could be an option — keep your gun but permit it.”

Really.  ‘Puter particularly enjoys Gov. Cuomo’s meaningless distinction between “confiscation” and “[m]andatory sale to the state.”

Apparently in Gov. Cuomo’s eyes, the state may use its eminent domain power to violate your Second Amendment rights, so long as the state pays you. ‘Puter assumes then that Gov. Cuomo would have no problem denying women birth control and abortions, so long as the state paid the women for violating their Constitutional rights.

Try telling a liberal you’re confiscating all television stations, mobile phone companies, internet providers, cable television providers, satellite television providers, radio stations, newspapers and blogs in order to protect the American public from illegal abuses of First Amendment rights by crazed extremist whackjobs and see what reaction you get.

It’s the same thing.  The exact same thing. 

3. I have no earthly clue what a semi-automatic weapon is, but if we ban them, no one will ever die again.

This time, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg is up for scorn, claiming that automatic weapons are widely available and relatively unrestricted. Quoth rich and stupid Mayor Mike, archenemy of transfats:

An assault weapon you hold and it goes — those are fully automatic weons [sic]. If you have a big magazining [sic] you will solve your problem. You still have to pull a trigger.

Got that, America? For one of gun control’s leading spokesmen does not understand the distinction between an automatic weapon and a semi-automatic weapon. Why on earth would gun owners doubt the ability of liberals to tailor good legislation on firearms when they clearly have such a thorough knowledge of the subject.

As previously noted, automatic weapons have been so strictly regulation since enactment of the National Firearms Act in 1934 so as to be de facto illegal, which tends to cut down on Mayor Bloomberg’s “widespread availability” take.

Moron.

4. I am so stupid I equate purchasing rifle ammunition used in a wide variety of ordinary, non-scary firearms with purchasing an illegal automatic weapon, so if we ban all ammunition that could possible be used in any operable firearm, no one will ever die again.

Yeah, ‘Puter didn’t really believe this one when he first read it either, but there was the proof, staring back at him from the enlightened pages of today’s New York Times.  See for yourself:

Cracking down on high-powered weapons has long been a priority for many urban Democrats in the Legislature; to draw attention to the issue, one senator even went to a gun shop near Albany to buy ammunition for an AK-47 while the transaction was recorded with a hidden camera

Got that? A state senator tried to purchase ammunition for an AK-47 from a gun store in Albany. First, Americans can legally own a fully automatic AK-47 provided they have complied with the terms and conditions of the National Firearms Act, applicable BATFE regulations and state law.
Second, and most importantly, there is absolutely no law preventing the sale of 7.62mm x 39mm ammunition, the round used by AK-47s, not even in the gun-phobic state of New York.

If liberals and advocates of so-called “gun control” truly wanted to achieve their stated goal of fewer mass shootings through a combination of better tailored firearm restrictions coupled with retooled mental health laws, they should start by learning something — anything — about firearms.

As Abraham Lincoln is reputed to have said, paraphrasing Proverbs 17:28, “It is better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

Liberals would do well to abide Mr. Lincoln’s wise counsel.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.