Century-Old Predictions for 2013

Over at Weird Universe, Alex there has a compilation of predictions for the year 2013 made in 1913 by London’s then-new Lord Mayor. This got the Czar to thinking: how were some of his predictions for 2013 made back in 1913?

Alas, back then, we were doing the website in pencil and did not provide our older stuff online until about 1970 when the Internet was invented. This would need to be done the old-fashioned way. So, we called our Archivist, @MbernadetteE, who emerged from the Castle basement all blinky and pale and asked her to fetch hither our 1913 predictions for the next 100 years. Marie took about 7 seconds to find it. God knows what we would do without her. Anyway, here they are:

цѣсарь Москвы’s Predictions for MMXIII

Greetings, cretins! We, your цѣсарь, do hereby put forth this 16th of October, MCMXIII, our predictions for the year MMXIII that ye may use them as ye see fit. Despair not of their terror and import, as ye shall be protected by the shield of the Antient and Noble Gormogons. Also, GorT says hello.

These predictions therefore we shall thus ennumerate:

  1. The aeroplane shall be routine and a most expedient means of travel. However, due to long lines at so-called aeroports and various and sundry procedures, as well as travel to and from these aeroports by vehicle, passengers will spend more time out of the aeroplane in most cases than actually in it.
  2. The United States shall be led by a petty, shallow man who fancies himself an intellectual by his extensive experience as a shelted academic. He shall be a terrible narcissist who shall seek a monopoly on control, ignore Congress, and shamelessly believe in his own supriority and yet leave a terrible, embarrassing legacy that will take years to undo. This man shall be called Woodrow Wilson, and in MMXIII, a president much like him shall return to power.
  3. To the surprise of many, the Texans of Houston shall make it to the quarter-final playoffs in the American-style professional football championship bowl.
  4. In that year, the White House shall be led largely by a collection of white, rich men.
  5. Machines will so fool mankind that Americans will purchase them with the expectation that they be labor-saving, but indeed Americans will find they somehow have less time to relax than ever before. The reason is because the machines will require so much updating and maintenance that any time save will be ultimately spent in frustration.
  6. Nonsense words like blog, lolz, and lebron will be proof that the primate brain will be re-emerging from its long-dormant slumber.
  7. The temperatures will begin to increase little by little, until by June of that year, even the most die-hard skeptics shall be forced to admit that, yes, it is indeed Summer.
  8. In that year, immigrants will be re-welcomed into the United States, and only illegal immigrants will prove to be an issue for security and public welfare.

About The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia by upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.