Helping the Media With Their Obsessions

Okay, the Czar is willing to compromise on an assault weapons ban. He recommends Congress quickly pass the following restrictions through:

The following weapons (“assault weapons”) shall be banned from sale effective the date of passage:

  • Weapons with a detachable box magazine consisting of 40 or more bullets (excluding drums)
  • Rifles or other long guns with permanently affixed bayonets
  • All weapons, regardless of size, that feature continuous fire upon a single pull of the trigger to the point that the magazine is completely expended even if the trigger is released.
  • Any weapon featuring only iron sights that can accurately fire into a target one mile away in high wind.
  • Weapons exceeding .59-inches in caliber.
  • Recoilless rifles.
  • Semi-automatic bolt action rifles with multiple barrels.

That seems reasonable, and will certainly seem like a great idea to the media.

About The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia by upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.