Mailbag – Black & White & Red All Over Edition

Our beloved Operative B.G. posted this in the personals section of the New Atlantis Lefty Arts Weekly Paper:

Esteemed and Exalted Gormogons, 

Although my wife and I are among the half of Americans who pay taxes so the other half can call us filthy names, we understand and appreciate the natural human desire to get something for nothing. So today, I have patriotically taken matters into my own hands. After consulting with She Who Must Be Appeased, I called the Washington Post’s subscription services office at 202-334-6100 to ask them to cancel my Sundays-only subscription. Very nice lady there took my information down and told me I was paid up, ironically enough, through the January 20 issue. Rather than ask for a refund of about five bucks for the future papers, I said fine. The very nice lady then asked me why I wanted to stop delivery. I’m afraid I’m a lot more eloquent on paper than over the phone; as near as I can recall, my sputtering answer included the following phrases: “destroying the country,” “carrying water for Obama,” “ignoring Benghazi and Fast and Furious,” “dogs on car rooftops,” “my father escaped Nazi-occupied France and is now at Arlington National Cemetery,” “where are Woodward and Bernstein these days?” and “I’m not going to give any more money to an organization that’s doing its level best to destroy America.” 

She politely thanked me and wished me a nice day, and I told her to do the same. 

Then I had to wipe the spittle off my phone. 

My wife wasn’t nearly as enthusiastic about this as I am (she told me she thinks I’m becoming narrow-minded, even though her political views track mine very closely, just not as angrily). She kinda shrugged her shoulders and said, “We can always read it online.” Which is fine with me, since the sports pages are generally mercifully devoid of treason and aid and comfort to the enemy. Plus, it’s “free,” or at least someone else is paying for the web site. And that’s about another pound each week (fifty-two pounds a year!) of trees that won’t give their lives so E.J. Dionne can spread his idiot babblings. See? I’m helping save Mother Gaia! You’re welcome, Al Gore! 

I’m trying to think what else I can do to try to save our country (and our precious Earth). I haven’t come up with anything yet, but this is a start. Can I assume that The Gormogons long ago stopped lining the filthy pockets of their local left-wing fish liners? 

Seriously, shouldn’t everyone who cares about this country do the same, wherever they live? 

That number again is 202-334-6100. For the New York Times, the number is 1‑800‑NYTIMES (1‑800‑698‑4637). 

— Operative B.G. 

Science is the process of crash testing ideas; the scientist does not coddle an idea, or design tests to make it work. The scientist rams the idea into a brick wall head-on at 60 mph, and knowledge is gained by examining the pieces. If the theory is solid, the pieces are from the wall.

Dear B.G.,

Dr. J. drew the short straw, and polled the Gormogons. Getting to the Czar was more than challenging, as Dr. J. had to wait for him to regain consciousness between rounds at the Leaping Peacock, where he’s been since last Tuesday. Even then, Island Dweller had to fill in for him regarding this issue.

Here is what your Gormogons’ have had to say regarding the issue of subscribing to the ‘print media.’

Dr. J.: Dr. J. still subscribes to the Sunday Tennessean. He would drop this Gannett rag, however Mrs. Dr. J. saves more money coupon clipping than the paper costs us. We actually make money on the gig, at least until Obama makes the 1% report coupon savings as income. When he has time, Dr. J. will troll the editorial page for material, the local news, sports, TV trivia guy and funnies when he has time. We also subscribe to Garden and Gun and Mac|Life, but those are magazines.

Volgi: None. The only newspaper I’ve subscribed to in my adult life is the WSJ, and I went digital when my eldest was born and I lost paper-reading time. That said, if I stayed in D.C., I would have subscribed to the [Washington] Post and [Washington] Times. Too much good local (and sports) stuff on the one hand, good counterweight on the other. Both are shadows of themselves these days, I hear, though.

Mandy: The weekly Auto Trader. [ed. He also muttered something about a lime green Fiero…]

Puter: I subscribe to WSJ. Mrs. Puter has the NYT. I consider NYT an investment in oppo research and comics, which humor is much needed these days. Puter Jr subscribes to Juggs and Ass Attack, whatever those magazines are.

The Czar: NONE. And that’s all you need to print on behalf of the Czar! [ed. This was followed by a hand axe thrown in Dr. J.’s general vicinity, as The Czar is still fuming over last Tuesday.]

GorT: Like you need to ask me? Much like The Czar, I’ve been print-free (minus Cooking Light and maybe one other magazine) since the 1990s. With one exception. I did subscribe to Investor’s Business Daily for 18mo in the early 2000s. Post is tripe…I think there are better online sports columns/blogs than what the Post’s section has. I do miss it for starting fires in my firepit…but I’ve gotten past that.

About Dr. J.

Dr. J. was born the son of a New Atlantean sharecropper who cornered the market on notoriously delicious seaweed Himanthalia elongata (popularly known as Thongweed). With his newly minted seaweed fortune, Mr. J. the Elder sent his son to attend the Academy of Sorcery, Alchemy and Surgery where the good doctor apprenticed with the finest sorcerer surgeons in New Atlantis. Dr. J.'s areas of expertise grew to include bleeding, cutting for stone, trephination, medical divination with outstanding spatial and temporal resolution, cybernetic sorcery and medicinal alchemy. When King Orin of Atlantis fell ill with the Ick, Dr. J. stepped in with an elixir he devised from a combination of minerals, herbs and saps. Curing the king, Dr. J. gained significant notoriety which afforded him the luxury of time to devote himself to his side hobbies which include porpoise racing, the study of supply-side economics, cooking and raising his lovely merchildren alongside his lovely bride the archconservative Mrs. Dr. J.