GOP Reform I: Introduction

Part One of Seven

Forget about who is to blame for the 2012 disaster. Before Republicans regroup to save the country, it’s time to get over ourselves and admit we got beat. Here’s how we keep getting beat. Hint: yeah, we’re often pretty stupid.Over the course of the week, the Czar is going to explain some things to the GOP. You know, Libertarians happily refer to the GOP as the Stupid Party—because they never learn. And there is very little evidence before us that the Libertarians are wrong about that.

Indeed, it has started already: you know those circular firing squads you have been reading about all week, about the most easily defeated Democrat in fifty years just won re-election? And how this is Mitt Romney’s fault? Or Chris Christie’s? Or Paul Ryan’s? Or Ron Paul’s? Or Todd Akin’s?

Meanwhile, Democrat strategists—which they have and Republicans do not, by the way—are gleefully rubbing their hands together and laughing at this because this is how Democrats plan to win the next election. You see, Democrat planners have figured out the psychology of Republicans because we keep doing the same stupid things over and over.

And number one on the list is to find someone to blame. Or everyone to blame. The point is someone has to be blamed, unlike Democrats who willingly sacrifice their failed general rather than promote him. Indeed, the Republican cycle and Democrat cycle look something like this:

Republicans Democrats

  1. Blame as many Republicans for the loss as possible
  2. Analyze the hell out of the loss to isolate as many possible reasons for it as possible
  3. Assume every one of those reasons is valid; do not bother to question
  4. Wait and see what the media come up with for your faults, as you may have missed a few, and collect their suggestions on how to improve
  5. Focus on how you would beat that winning opponent, reason by reason
  6. Announce you have completely changed the look and image of the party to be more responsive to the times
  7. Find people in your party with name recognition, no matter who they are or what they did
  8. Promote them as the next Ronald Reagan
  9. Let them destroy themselves publicly or wait for the press to do it; this is, after all, an essential quality check—you would not want the wrong guy in there
  10. Winnow the choices down to one; rejoice: the last man standing almost certainly isn’t whom you would have picked, which proves how much you changed!
  11. Reassure the candidate and your voters that everything is different this time, and you have a mandate from the people!
  12. Completely re-run the campaign of 1980, but either get a website or one of those Twitter things, or whatever the kids are all excited about
  13. Lose the election
  14. Repeat

  1. Decide which election you need to win to consolidate power
  2. Identify who the opponents will be (create one if necessary)
  3. Bring everything to bear for a multiphase attack; this is war, after all

Okay, get it? The Republican strategy is unwieldy and complex, predictable, and error-prone. The worst part is that the GOP honestly thinks there are good things in that process, such as media blessing, that are in fact toxic to success. The Democrats on the other hand treat everything as all-out war because, for them, it is.

The Republicans need to accept that not every election is November, 1980. In fact, that kind of victory—where everything goes pretty much right—is never going to happen again. That is the aberration. And the GOP morons in change fail to realize that the Democrats understand how Reagan won, and will never let that happen again. They moved on; it’s the GOP, like Cubs fans, keep going on about that one World Series they played a century ago.

In fact, the GOP strategy—if we can be charitable enough to call it that—is more akin to Bob Dole.

Over the next few days, the Czar will present six realities to the GOP. Almost none of these will be pleasant but all will be critical. No, they have nothing to do with the Tea Party, extremism, gay marriage, abortion, or dogs; in fact, they will most assuredly not. They will, however, challenge a lot of what pundits are currently saying, and will not revolve around fixing blame, or changing the rules of the game, or yielding on conservative values. In fact, they will—if you read hard enough—actually be welcome things.

Click here for Part Two: Reagan Isn’t Coming Back

About The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia by upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.