Be vewy, vewy quiet. Czaw’s hunting wabbits!

Before we being today’s installation of ‘Puter’s Gay-tastic Totally Not Homophobic Male Bag, a bit of Gormogon history. Your Gormogons will, at random intervals, publish select minion missives as actual blog posts.  ‘Puter quickly tired of the heading “Mail Bag” which most other Gormogons dutifully (and boringly) use, and decided to go with “Male Bag,” which amuses ‘Puter because he is socially retarded.

‘Puter always marries his Male Bag posts with gratuitous and (usually) unrelated images of homosexual individuals or pairs or threesomes enjoying themselves while living the stereotype, loud and proud.  Not only do these images fit nicely with ‘Puter’s juvenile title, they also seem to enrage our liberal readers, which amuses ‘Puter to no end.

Today’s installment introduces a new and improved title: ‘Puter’s Gay-tastic Totally Not Homophobic Male Bag! ‘Puter hopes you enjoy/despise it immensely, as the case may be.

Lets take a brief pause as ‘Puter Crisco-es up and slides himself into his PVC Daisy Dukes, the better to stage dive into the seething mass of sweaty, bare-chested men undulating like sex-starved harem dwellers in sultry Mesopotamia that is the Male Bag.

Anyhoo, now that ‘Puter’s properly attired, on with this long overdue installation of Homosexual Mash Notes Graphically Describing Acts Outlawed As Crimes Against Nature In All 57 States! ‘Puter’s Gay-tastic Totally Not Homophobic Male Bag!

First up, ever-reliable operative K.H., fresh off his fact-finding mission at the bottom of the latrine at Madame Wang’s Bang-kok Bordello writes concerning ‘Puter’s rant on Maureen Dowd’s latest:

Good evening, estimable ‘Puter:

Though I would undoubtedly be well served to keep my yap shut other than to recite Luke 18:13, I am moved to write on the topic of Ms. Dowd and Sr. Farley. Ms. Dowd’s columny* is about what I expected, and I’ve read enough descriptions of and faithfully transcribed excerpts from Just Love that I have the general picture. The sister refers to nothing, based on my reading, but her own judgment in setting aside centuries of Church teaching. Granted, what she is peddling would be seen by a fair number as convenient, for given values of convenience, but by no stretch of the imagination can it be considered orthodox (or any sort of dox) Catholic teaching; as Wolfgang Pauli put it, “It’s not even wrong.”

To keep a potentially long story short: I am not a trained theologian, nor even a particularly competent apologist, a passage from my recent reading comes to mind as applicable:

“He that turneth away his ears from hearing the law, his prayer shall be as abomination.”

(Proverbs 28:9, Douay-Rheims 1899 American edition)

Best regards,

[Operative K.H.]

Yup. Liberal Catholics cannot conceive of a world that doesn’t revolve around them.  The very concept of subjugation of self, our wants and desires, for a greater good is so foreign, they are driven to destroy any moral concept that requires them to think of others first.  Nice work, K.H.  ‘Puter’s sending $50.00 via carrier griffin, along with a quart of IV broad spectrum antibiotics.
 
K.H. asterisked “columny” to indicate his intent to pun. ‘Puter likes the pun so much, he may well steal it without attribution.
 
Next up, operative HRE (short for Holy Roman Emperor).  For n00b minions, HRE’s your Gormogons man on the inside, our go-to contact for all things Papist.  HRE is concerned with ‘Puter’s posts on disobedient and borderline schismatic Roman Catholic nuns. You know, the kind Maureen Dowd cites with approval.  HRE writes in Paschal Candle wax on the back of little Brittttn33ey Ke$ha’s baptismal program as follows:

Dear Puter,
 
I know that you like the LCWR so much, so here’s a blog post about the latest development with them: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/godandthemachine/2012/06/lcwr-responds/.
I don’t know where I read the blog, but it’s pretty good. Do you have any further thoughts on the whole fiasco? I think I remember you chiming in a while ago, but that could be the Rochefort talking.

I have have limited experience with sisters from orders whose leaders are in the LCWR, and they’re almost all of a type- barely recognizable as sisters, into social justice, and pretty different from Church tradition. I have, however, met some wonderful sisters from the more traditional (and far better) CMSWR http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Council_of_Major_Superiors_of_Women_Religious, and they’ve all been beyond excellent. I foresee that they will continue to grow, and the orders that aren’t attractive to women who will devote their lives will die out. We’ll have fewer religious in the coming decades, but they’ll be of a higher quality, especially as regards faithfulness to the Church and encouraging young women to join.

I hope all is well, and that your absinthe addiction keeps the DTs at bay.

God Bless,

[Operative HRE]

HRE writes concerning ‘Puter’s post here on the Low Class Women Religious, or as they like to be called “Leadership Conference of Women Religious.” Whatever. ‘Puter’s characterization of the LCWR is far closer to the truth than theirs.

‘Puter is most pleased to hear that there is a group of dedicated Catholic women religious who take seriously the Faith, and who remain committed to its traditions, values and leadership.  HRE has given ‘Puter some faint hope for our future as Roman Catholics.

Back to HRE for our final minion missive in today’s installment of ‘Puter’s Gay-Tastic Totally Not Homophobic Male Bag.  HRE writes:

Dear Puter,

I really liked your post on ‘The Importance of Failure’. I think you hit the nail on the head- I’m a millenial and I’ve seen these sorts of actions up close and personal, though I am in the older part of the generation, if I recall correctly. I have also experienced plenty of failures in my life, and they’ve definitely been teaching moments, and I’m thankful for them now.

As to your main point about entitlement among our young people in the US, I would like to share 2 things- one for, and one against. The one for your point: the Occupy movement. We had people saying “I can’t get a job/I can’t get a job I want/no one told me a B.A. in puppetry wouldn’t get me my dream job”- which fits your post exactly. The one against your point: the current economy. I know a businessman who was hiring (in accounting) before the economy sucked- he said people were quite entitled and it was difficult to get them to work how salaried employees have to and it was difficult to keep them- they would often find better jobs. Now that the economy is rough, people are grateful for jobs and they’ll work harder and do more to keep them.

Now, I think the first point offsets the second- there are still many people who feel entitled and will never be grateful, and they’ll complain no matter what happens. They will either mature or they’ll be with their parents until they’re 40 (see: “Step Brothers” the movie). I think it will be quite interesting to see where this generation is in the next 30 years or so, and if we all grow up.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks, and will do HRE!
 
That’s it for today, kiddos.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.