The Earth’s Not Flat, It’s a Torus, dammit!


President Obama’s campaign is in full swing. You can tell because he is creating straw men and then openly mocking him. Apparently he thinks that this makes him look smart. In 2008, 53% of voters bought it as well, because, lets face it, sheeple like to nod their head and agree with the ‘smart guy.’ They feel smart as a consequence.

Your Gormogons, however, are smarter than that, and see these snake oil salesman’s tricks and charlatan’s tropes for what they are, chicanery and shenanigans.

Take for example this quote, found in an article at the Daily Caller, from the president’s speech this morning:

“If some of these folks were around when Columbus set sail, they must have been founding members of the Flat Earth Society… there have always been folks who are the naysayers who don’t believe in the future.”

Ha ha ha ha ha, ho ho ho ho ho, hee hee hee hee hee!

His energy policy is so visionary that his backwards Luddite critics are complete fools too stupid to get it.

We get it Mr. President, and that’s why you have to resort to name calling from the most powerful bully pulpit in the US to bring folk around to your point of view.

Your energy policy has made it more difficult and more expensive to obtain fossil fuels in the US. Both you and Secretary Chu are on the record expressing higher fossil fuel prices only to rhetorically dismiss charges of such without answering to the charge.

You can speak all you want about how we are pumping more barrels on your watch, however, they are in part, a legacy of your predecessors (in other words, it’s Bush’s fault), and they are more expensive barrels than they would be if we could drill in more optimal locations.

This gets me to part two of your energy policy. You require high fossil fuel costs in order to make so-called green technology competitive on your watch. If cheap energy becomes expensive, expensive energy becomes more palatable.

You foolishly hoped that subsidizing expensive energy (e.g. the Volt, solar, etc.) would further make it competitive.

Instead, you were sadly mistaken.

Dr. J. can explain to you the economics of a sound energy policy, and the role of government in energy policy.

First, cheap, useful energy is the life blood of any economy. America is a HUGE country. There is a lot of space between cities, towns, and burgs. Cheap energy brings those places closer together and facilitates commerce more readily. Fossil fuels are the best source for many of our needs given that we live in a country knit together by long roads and train tracks.

Second, the ability to cheaply and responsibly obtain and refine large amounts of domestic energy is also hugely valuable because it insulates us from the volatility of the world market. We have vast resources. Energy companies do not want the PR fiasco of an accident or spill, so trust Dr. J. when he says, they want to be as clean as possible, without pricing the source out of the market. We are a much cleaner country than we were in the 1970s, and the 1880s, so quit your yapping about pollution. Things aren’t really as bad as you say. Ask the folks in East Anglia, oh wait, they cooked their books.

Third, new sources of energy are certainly welcome, but they must be able to compete in the marketplace on their own. Until that time, such companies should be allowed to deduct R&D expenses. Some may succeed, many will fail, but eventually, invention and innovation will yield very exciting and positive results. Unlike you, we don’t have an election calendar to worry about and are necessarily patient regarding such things.

Fourth, the green energy dream, at present, is a luxury, meaning sure, it gives Dr. J. warm fuzzies to think that solar panels, windmills and unicorns on treadmills are creating energy without belching smoke into the air, but that costs more money than more realistic sources. Furthermore, we are in a recession and most people can’t afford lobster and have to settle for Hamburger Helper. Our energy policy should be equally sensible, aggressively going after cheaper sources of energy rather than spending taxpayer dollars expensive sources that fail, not even after those taxpayer subsidies expire, but especially when those taxpayer dollars can’t even sustain the sources.

As our economy grows and becomes stronger, we can rationally choose ‘cleaner sources’ and expensive lightbulbs, as we can afford to do so.

In other words, go ahead and laugh and tell people Dr. J. thinks the Earth is flat. It is clear to Dr. J., that you think it’s a donut!

About Dr. J.

Dr. J. was born the son of a New Atlantean sharecropper who cornered the market on notoriously delicious seaweed Himanthalia elongata (popularly known as Thongweed). With his newly minted seaweed fortune, Mr. J. the Elder sent his son to attend the Academy of Sorcery, Alchemy and Surgery where the good doctor apprenticed with the finest sorcerer surgeons in New Atlantis.Dr. J.'s areas of expertise grew to include bleeding, cutting for stone, trephination, medical divination with outstanding spatial and temporal resolution, cybernetic sorcery and medicinal alchemy. When King Orin of Atlantis fell ill with the Ick, Dr. J. stepped in with an elixir he devised from a combination of minerals, herbs and saps. Curing the king, Dr. J. gained significant notoriety which afforded him the luxury of time to devote himself to his side hobbies which include porpoise racing, the study of supply-side economics, cooking and raising his lovely merchildren alongside his lovely bride the archconservative Mrs. Dr. J.

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