Hollywood is all excited about the Oscars tonight; so much so, they will all be stunned about the incredibly low ratings certain to follow. What on earth is wrong with you people, the networks will ask about us. We are giving you are best; talk about pearls before swine.

Well, maybe the low ratings are caused by the same reason that no one is bothering to see your films anymore, Hollywood. Not, not Redbox or Chinese piracy—it’s because you keep putting out an inferior product.

Here are ten ways you can improve the Oscars and bump up your ratings.

1. Start using real actors and actresses again. Take a look at the current nominees: George Clooney? Meryl Streep? Brad Pitt? Max von Sydow? Christopher Plummer? You don’t see a problem here? These folks have been around forever. And the reason you nominate them is because they actually know how to act. The rest are all total newcomers or outsiders; and this is because most of your current crop of actors and actresses are talentless meat puppets. Instead of using the same names over and over, and rewarding the outsiders for their…what is it, bravery? Courage?…start using people who can act.
2. Stop nominating stupid films. Let us predict: which of the following imaginary films would be nominated:
   1. Rumpus. An old-fashioned comedy of errors, in which a woman accidentally inherits her late mother’s advice column, and discovers mom was into some bizarre things.
   2. Thumpers. A doctor races the clock to find a cure for a fast-acting illness before it goes pandemic.
   3. Mercy’s Puppets. A gay grandfather comes out of the closet, only to find his grandson, a war vet disabled by a backstabbing colonel, is a transvestite.

   Not too hard to guess, is it? And that takes all the excitement out, when you consistently go for the implausibly agenda-driven film.

3. Eliminate thank you speeches beyond “Thank you.” No more political grandstanding, no more liberal outrage statements, and cause-of-the-month telethons. Get on, get off. You put people with attention demand disorder on stage, and then wonder why they keep talking? Because you keep the camera on them! This is like pouring gas on a fire, directors! Get your winners off the stage and they go back to their introverted, self-hating neurotic selves, nice and quiet, smiling politely at a tribute to a Bulgarian director they never heard of.
4. Get over your goddamned selves. Seriously! Have you morons figured out how Sasha Baron Cohen has been playing you perfectly all week? And he is going to get what he wanted in the first place? Because you are so tightly wound about how brilliant and professional you all are, you forget to step back and realize how stupid and small-minded you really are. Step back and drop the nose-in-the-air attitudes. Know why you can’t find a decent host, year-after-year? Because you can’t find one the audience likes who will play by your ridiculous hands-off rules.
5. Stop with the nonsense tributes. Remember that Bulgarian director? No, of course not. Your audience, who by the way pays your bills, not only has no idea who Slovodan Kashkiromov was, but will never see one of his films. Frankly, they’re glad he’s dead. The only reason you spent four minutes on his film Two Slavs Drink Coffee is because you are desperate to convince America that you are artists who care little for tentpole popcorn pictures for the filthy lower classes. All you actually do is convince them that you watch stupid, boring movies and care little for your audience.
6. Stop using presenters with double-digit IQs. She strolls out in her silvery dress, and he is to-the-nines in a black tux. They stand nervously, stare at a teleprompter they have never seen before, and read pitifully written dialogue off it. She speaks in a flat monotone, while he visibly moves his eyes from side to side reading the words. Meanwhile, your few remaining viewers do two things: mentally dismiss them as fakes, and also realize these two are serious putzes. If you can’t find Hollywood types who can perform basic reading, go back to a single MC who did it all.
7. Lose the schtick. The problem with schtick is that it is predictable. Let us guess: tonight, Billy Crystal will do a spoof song and dance number. Jack Black will come out and do a juvenile bit. Ben Stiller will come out dressed in a costume and try to make awkward look funny. Tomorrow you will wonder how the Czar knew you would do this; the simple answer is you do it every year.
8. Give up the obvious message. And now the Academy pays tribute to the latest liberal pet cause, by showing how thirteen movies had scenes covering it. No matter how you window dress it, morons, your audience will roll its eyes and go the bathroom. And ironically produce better material than you.
9. Stop insulting the audience’s tastes. Well, Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules made more money than all other movies released that month…so we can nominate it for Best Sound Editing With a Melon. And the last Harry Potter movie crushed us badly, so give it a nod with Best Graphic Effect Using Non-Compositional Green Screen. And Captain America made a hell of a lot more money than every anti-war film since 2001, so give it Best Period Costume in a Background Shot nomination. That oughta shut up the riff-raff who pays our salaries.
10. Stop showing awards that no one gives a crap about. The only reason you televise some of these is because if you didn’t, The Help would be all people would see covered. And again, it is because your selection of quality films is so poor that the only way to break up the monotony is to nominate a bunch of other films in categories no one understands.

Yes, Hollywood, you are why the Oscars’s ratings will be lower this year than last. And will continue to drop as your cultural contributions drop to zero.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.