The Zombie Apocalypse Has Struck, Namby-Pamby Liberals Hardest Hit

There is a mental disconnect between your typical Northeastern liberal elitist and the rest of us. This disconnect was made manifest to Dr. J. as he was subjected to NPR yesterday during a drive from a conference in a minor city south and east of New Atlantis.

Dr. J. was listening to Talk of the Nation. Rebecca (Daughter of Cokie Roberts) was the (presumably guest) host. And the topic of discussion was ‘What’s in Your Emergency Kit?’

The transcript in full can be read here. If you have 17 minutes, the audio is certainly worthy listening because Ms. Roberts’s reaction to her callers is priceless.

Here are a few excerpts:

REBECCA ROBERTS, host: …The Red Cross says you need to have water and non-perishable foods and flashlights and batteries and a first aid kit and medicine and a weather radio and sanitation and personal hygiene items and a multipurpose tool…

Ah, the ever so useful ‘multipurpose tool…’ As you will see later, Ms. Roberts has no idea what a multipurpose tool really is, and is probably reading off of a cue card…but Dr. J. suspects that her idea of an emergency kit is a bottle of Evian, a Starbucks gift card and a backup cellphone.

Here is where it gets juicy:

ROBERTS: … Rock in Payson, Arizona, joins us on the line now. Rock, what is in your disaster kit?

ROCK: Three very simple things: .22 pistol and shells, fishing line and a hook and salt.

ROBERTS: OK. [ed. tone of awkward scepticism in her voice] I – is the pistol for self-defense or for hunting?

ROCK: Both.

ROBERTS: [ed. now sounding nervous] And the fishing line?

ROCK: Well, you got to have a line to catch fish.

ROBERTS: Don’t you live in the desert?

ROCK: No. In Payson, Arizona, we’re 5,000 feet in the middle of the forest.


ROCK: And the salt, if you don’t have salt, you’ll die. You know, in some places, they exchange gold for salt or they used to in Africa. So it’s a very, very, very definite commodity. You got to have it.

ROBERTS: Plus, you know, whatever game or fish you come up with, it would taste a whole lot better with it.

ROCK: Well, I figured out that after a month – if it’s really a bad catastrophe, after a month, everybody’s going to be out of everything. And if you don’t have the capability of going out and hunting or fishing, you know, you’re going to be dead.

ROBERTS: What sort of emergency are you preparing for in Payson?

ROCK: Well, you know, if we had a major earthquake or a major disaster, say, in Phoenix, which is 90 miles south of us, that would probably disable all the major highways. And so, after a while, after a week or two, we wouldn’t be getting any medicine. We wouldn’t be getting any drugs. We wouldn’t be getting any food up here. So it would be a catastrophic emergency. But, if you – well, excuse me. What’s going to happen first, people that need medicines that are refrigerated and all that, they’re history.

People that don’t can’t go out and actually secure food for themselves, they’re going to try to steal from other people or take it. So if you don’t have those three basic commodities, you know, your chances of living are not very good.

Dr. J. doesn’t know where they found this caller, but this was pure comedy gold. It was apparent that Ms. Roberts was in over her head and had no clue what survival truly meant. Rock, on the other hand could very well be the last man standing in Arizona after the Night of the Comet. What was more embarrassing was that she thought Arizona was all sand, rocks, and tumbleweeds.

ROBERTS: Rock, thanks for your call. Let’s hear what Heidi in Molokai, Hawaii, is stockpiling in her disaster kit. Heidi, welcome to TALK OF THE NATION.

HEIDI: Hi. Can you hear me?

ROBERTS: I can. What’s in your kit?

HEIDI: I have a few very sharp knives and knife-sharpening tools. I have water bottles and lots of rope and cordage and backpacks. We have hiking shoes. We don’t focus on food because we’re really good at hunting and different things. And water is more important than food.

ROBERTS: And what’s the knife for? Oh, we’ve lost Heidi. Perhaps she has gone into the woods.

WHAT’S THE KNIFE FOR? Oh, my goodness, what does one think is the main tool of a multipurpose tool, it’s a blade, and it can be used to cut things. It can clean a fish, field strip an elk, cut cloth for bandages and do all sorts of survivally things that one learns in Scouts.

Now no expose on ‘bitter clingers’ can’t go on without a call from one that is clinging to both the gun and the bible…

BRIAN: Yeah. I’m going to say the “King James Bible” and a shotgun.

ROBERTS: Why the “King James” as opposed to another version?

BRIAN: No reason in particular. Just tradition.

ROBERTS: The poetry of it? Good to have in a disaster?

BRIAN: Yeah. Yeah. And in my scenario, this is the zombie apocalypse so – thus the shotgun.

ROBERTS: Right. Well, you’re not alone actually. We have an email from Rex. He says his disaster kit includes a baseball bat in case of a zombie outbreak. So you, too, at least will be prepared.

Dr. J. loves when a Northeastern Elite looks down her nose at religion. Ms. Roberts thinking of the ‘poetry’ of the King James Bible as if it is a literary specimen or anthropological artifact. Dr. J. is pleased that both Brian and Rex are preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse.

Furthermore Dr. J. takes solace in the fact that if the Night of the Comet, Zombie Apocalypse or some other disaster struck, folks like Rock, Heidi, Brian and Rex would be fine, and folks who broadcast for NPR would be the first to be devoured by zombies or aliens, unless they became collaborators…but that’s a different post for a different time…

About Dr. J.

Dr. J. was born the son of a New Atlantean sharecropper who cornered the market on notoriously delicious seaweed Himanthalia elongata (popularly known as Thongweed). With his newly minted seaweed fortune, Mr. J. the Elder sent his son to attend the Academy of Sorcery, Alchemy and Surgery where the good doctor apprenticed with the finest sorcerer surgeons in New Atlantis. Dr. J.'s areas of expertise grew to include bleeding, cutting for stone, trephination, medical divination with outstanding spatial and temporal resolution, cybernetic sorcery and medicinal alchemy. When King Orin of Atlantis fell ill with the Ick, Dr. J. stepped in with an elixir he devised from a combination of minerals, herbs and saps. Curing the king, Dr. J. gained significant notoriety which afforded him the luxury of time to devote himself to his side hobbies which include porpoise racing, the study of supply-side economics, cooking and raising his lovely merchildren alongside his lovely bride the archconservative Mrs. Dr. J.