All the News That’s Fit to Just Make Up

The Czar told you this was coming.

The Los Angeles Times dutifully reports that House Speaker Boehner and House Majority Leader Cantor are virtually at fisticuffs, tearing at each other’s throats, because things are really this bad for the Republicans.

Behold: “A long-simmering rivalry between the top two Republicans in the House has tumbled into the open…at odds over President Obama’s call for a massive deficit-reduction package….[F]riction between the two has grown obvious, reinforcing months-old questions over who controls House Republicans.”

Duhn-dunh-DUHNNNNN! Yes, they burst through a tavern window, landing on the sidewalk to the embarrassment of society ladies returning from Vespers. Without fear of exaggeration, authors Mascaro and Hennessey want you to know that this could very well spell the end for the GOP.

“Cantor’s ascent puts him at a risky crossroads. At some point, an agreement on the deficit-reduction package will pose questions about his influence: Did his hard-line stance help or hurt Republican goals? And will the ‘tea party” activists he courted revolt if he supports a compromise?”

Good lord, how seriously opposed are the two?

“When side by side, Cantor appears to be the brainier and more ambitious of the two. At 48, he is a political enthusiast, easily animated. Boehner, 61, wears his power more subtly, behind cigarettes and an old-school cool. The Ohioan mocks Cantor’s Italian loafers.”

So…the big disagreement here is over shoes? Surely there is more?

“But as the tide of conservatives arrived in the House this year, Cantor aligned himself with them. He has lavished attention and campaign funds on other members. In what was widely seen as an affront to Boehner, he published a book with two other rising GOP leaders, Young Guns, setting out the principles of ‘a new generation of conservative leaders.’ Boehner made hardly a cameo.”

Oh. Well, maybe that’s because Boehner isn’t one of the Young Guns? Or are the authors unaware that the Young Guns is (a) a term that Cantor did not make up, that (b) the Media did, to (c) pigeon-hole the very tide of young conservatives who arrived in the House this year? By the way, editors, “widely seen” is not a citation or a source; it is a confession that one is lacking.

Maybe we could phrase the entire story like this. What follows is the Czar’s far more accurate re-write of the same story.

President Obama is watching his chances for re-election slip away to the chagrin of the news media who fellated his campaign all the way. Realizing that the J-school potheads who joined his bandwagon completely screwed up another judgment call that by rights they should have kept their mouths shut on, they hope to alienate millions of voters leaning toward the GOP by creating a false sense of desperate panic about the only party producing serious efforts at avoiding a massive and unprecedented fiscal crisis in America. So what they will continue to do is take extremely arcane differences between any two Republican leaders, magnify them without any real sense of perspective, add in a couple of unfathomably petty and largely imaginary personal slights, and thereby diminish the fact that the Democrats have accomplished nothing praiseworthy in many years.

Does this cover the story here very well?

Not enough for you? Well, how about the imaginary feud between Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann? After all, Palin thinks Bachmann is not accomplished enough to become president, and even Bristol Palin grouses that Bachmann dresses like her mom! Oh no, those feuding Republicans! Will they never get their act together?

And what is this about Tim Pawlenty and Michele Bachmann taking shots at each other? Why, the two must surely hate each other!

Except, as before, the real meat in the story is tofu. It ain’t there. It is fantasy, produced by a group of wishful thinkers hoping to convince people that the Democrats really have Got It All Together.

The Czar need not remind you where the infighting is occurring. And where the lack of motion on fiscal matters resides. And which candidate is leading from behind.

More is coming. But you can spot it yourselves, now.

About The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia by upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.