Dear Your Sneakyness,

I read your little internal chat– I’m such a rebel! And there’s nothing you can do to stop me! I’m like a Jacobin revolution! (just without the beheadings and anti-catholicism)

Two questions- how serious are the situations in Japan and the Ivory Coast?

Also, will that Marcellus Shale be utilized any time soon?

God Bless,

Operative JS- scheduled for termination

Well, we suggested you ignore it, not avoid it.

All right. Japan.

Another major earthquake is coming there, within two weeks. Bet on it. Let us hope this ongoing nightmare ends soon for them. How much can people take?

The popular media of course cares little about that, or the 10,000 dead. Instead, you need to Fear Nuclear Power. Did you know, that despite all their posturing to the contrary, that they have announced the Fukushima situation to be as Grave as Chernobyl? Totally true! And you know how many people are alleged to have died from that!!!

By the way, the Chernobyl thing merely means they took it as seriously in terms of nuclear responsiveness, not that it actually burned up and poisoned millions of hectares of crops or anything. If you are even reading this by this point, the news story will conclude by casually mentioning that radiation levels are dropping rapidly and the whole thing has been contained with astonishing speed and safety. But still: did you hear the situations Is As Bad As Chernobyl????!!

Onto the Ivory Coast. Here is the story, as told by your popular media.

Gosh, now they found someone dropped a pencil on the floor over at Fukushima! Why can’t the nuclear industry get anything right? President Laurent Gbagbo, involved in a bloody civil war, was voted out of office in 2010, a full five years after the elections should have been held due to the civil war. Air traffic controllers are sleeping on the job! This is what happens when the unions begin to lose popular support! The election was declared a fraud by Gbagbo’s government, and the rightful victor, Alassane Ouattara, was denied a transition. The poor Palestinians are being oppressed by those bad Israelis. Both men took the oath of office and appointed cabinets. Uh-oh! Is there a serial killer on Long Island? Lock your doors! The international community advised Gbagbo to step down; in response, he ordered all UN peacekeepers out of the country. Tsk-tsk! Those bad TSA agents are molesting little girls now? Another civil war has broken out between the two sides, resulting in thousands of innocent people being killed (often brutally) in a series of massacres. So who are these guys suing our friends at Facebook? Another million people have poured out of the country as refugees into already over-stressed Liberia. Awesome: they are finally going to remake The Crow! Look out, Batman: there’s a new hero in town! Sadly, it appears that atrocities were being committed by both sides, making it difficult for us to support either party. At last: Scarlett and Sean are moving in together. Finally, earlier this week, the French military entered the country and apprehended Gbagbo. Stay tuned here for all the details as we interview the catering delivery clerk for the Royal Wedding. You won’t to miss this one! It appears that a tentative calm has finally reached the Ivory Coast, and Ouattara is promising to investigate the depth of atrocities as openly as possible. Speaking of weddings, we now have the details on Reese Witherspoon’s wedding!

As for whether they will utilize Marcellus Shale, bear in mind that his numbers as a power forward are really down this year. Known as a perky rebounder, his earlier knee injury put him on the bench for almost two weeks, and so far the Heat has found they are winning more games without him. Look for him to be traded next season.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.