The Czar was surprised to see one of his favorite late-70s-to-mid-80s bands, The Cars, finally reunited. For real, this time. And not only are they reuniting, but unlike most reunited bands, they have a genuinely new album coming out.

Screech. New album, eh? The Czar is old enough to remember a lot of reunited groups with new albums, dating back to 1343, when Ankyros of Melepthea patched up his “creative differences” with Poludemikos Philamechinikos and they came out with that godawful “Ένας άνθρωπος Πολλές φωνές” Locrian Mode dreck. Most groups break up for very good reasons, with the primary difference being what they consider euphonic as opposed to their paying fans.

So, all right, the Cars released two songs and videos already. And the verdict?

You can listen for yourself, or skip below.

Like the Czar, you probably caught the first five seconds of the song and realized these sound like songs off their old albums. Really.

That ain’t a good thing.

The first tune, “Sad Song” is a weird mix of the debut album and Candy-O. The second song is a slightly slower blend of Panorama and Shake It Up. You will notice that Ric Ocasek, unable to sing like he used to, has simply decided to chant his lyrics in order to regain his enforced quirkiness. There is nothing new, and nothing cosmetic enough to cover up Ocasek’s 61-year-old voice.

A few years back, Duran Duran decided to get back together and cut a new album. The Czar hated their stuff, because it all sounded the same. And someone told them this, because they worked with modern producers to put out an entirely new, contemporary sound. That is probably the route the Cars should have taken, rather than fire up the same Lynn drum machine with the Hand Clap 2 rhythm preset, and the same monophonic square-wave synth filler. This isn’t even phoning it in: it’s pressing play on a 30-year-old answering machine message.

So the Czar’s non-binding opinion: great tunes for 1981. For 2011, you might think: not really.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.