This post has nothing to do with horny septuagenerians on a Viagra bender. Sorry to disappoint all of you German readers who got here through a filthy Google search.

Readers know that ‘Puter believes the quality of public education has declined for decades, and that ‘Puter places a large portion of the blame on the shoulders of teachers’ unions. Teachers’ unions create conditions that benefit their members, and no one else, except by fortuitous accident. And many of the conditions that benefit the teachers actually harm the education process.

So ‘Puter was pleased to read in yesterday morning’s New York Post the following editorial calling on Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-NY) to scrap the “first in, last out” seniority rules. The Post argues most sensibly that years of service does not necessarily correlate with effectiveness, and that school districts should be free to lay off their least effective teachers first. This is an important argument in New York State, as it is almost guaranteed that state aid to school districts is going to be slashed, and local property taxes are already maxed out. Teachers, parents and politicians all know layoffs are coming. The only questions are when and how many.

And, as if to anticipate the teachers’ union’s “it’s for the children” multi-million dollar negative ad campaign, a group of teachers outside Chicago provide an object lesson in “seniority does not equal competence.” An entire cohort of health teachers in Prairie Ridge High School forces kids to sing “The Vagina Dance” to the tune of the “Hokey Pokey.” The alleged pedagogical purpose is to teach the kids the female reproductive structure and function in a kinesthetic manner. Seriously.

One brave family complained that their son should not be required to dance and sing about female reproductive organs in a classroom full of other students. That’s Lady Gaga’s job. Well, the parents didn’t make the last point, but ‘Puter thinks it apt. Rather than admit fault and shut down an ill-considered teaching method, the teachers and the district went to the mattresses. They have refused to change anything about the Vagina Dance.

‘Puter asks the following rhetorical question: Is it more or less likely that the Vagina Dance would have been instituted in the first instance (much less continued for years as alleged) if teachers could be fired for performance based reasons?

We all know the answer is that the Vagina Pokey would not have seen the light of day. [ed– ‘Puter enjoys answering his own rhetorical questions]. And that should tell you everything you need to know about it. It is ineffective and it is only valuable for the shock factor.

So, ‘Puter posits that cutting off seniority based retention and instituting competence based retention policies would prevent dancing vaginas from showing up in our children’s health classes.

There’s a time and a place for dancing vaginas, and that time and place is happy hour down at the Leaping Peacock.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.