Same Planet, Different Worlds

So the Texas Rangers have defeated the New York Yankees. Let us imagine how this could be written up.

From CNN:

Just when ya think you’ve seen everything! It is October, and baseball is always filled with surprises. The Texas Rangers beat the New York Yankees to go to their first World Series! Lady Gaga was not in attendence, but rumors are soaring that Justin Bieber might be asked to sing the national anthem, even though he appears to be Canadian. Too bad there isn’t a Canadian team for him to cheer. [Cut to file footage of President Obama reading to first graders.]

From The Associated Press:

The New York Yankees were defeated in the division playoffs by the Texas Rangers. The Rangers, actually a team from Dallas and not from Texas at all, are enjoying their first World Series since the game was invented in 1978. President Barack Obama has yet to comment on the success of the Rangers, which may indicate official disapproval.

From Time:

Three Ways the Rangers Can Blow It. 1. Show up to wrong park. This happened to the Mackinack Eagles in 1938. Second, GOP filibusters seventh inning. They have the votes. C. Luck runs out. Scientists say luck plays a massive role in our lives, but in an age of texting, artistic forgery, and Sarah Palin, anything can happen.

From The New York Times:

Weary eyes sweep logningly across the new temple of baseball, Yankee Stadium, as hopes dissolve amid spilled beer and tear-soaked peanut shells. Frankly, the staff here were surprised by the loss, especially since days ago we made it quite clear to Yankees’ management that two taps on the side of the cap meant the Rangers of Texas would be swinging away, but touching the ear first meant hold up, probable breaking ball. Indeed, we anticipate the right-wing maniac Glenn Beck will accuse us of revealing confidential information that would have been disastrous to the Rangers of Texas (a state quite even further than Pennsylvania), but Mr. Beck fails to understand the importance of full truth in journalism, especially where the interests of Long Island are concerned. We expect he would do no less than advocate such for himself, so why the double standard?

From Twitter:

tx beats nyy! go 2 ws. sf next?

From The Huffington Post:

How fitting that the Texas Rangers, once owned in part by George Bush, overpowered the Yankees—clearly no more symbolic imagery can explain the last ten years of politics better than that. It is yet another metaphor describing the rise of the Tea Party. And it is significant, too, that the Rangers high-scoring games are meant to humiliate New York, still scarred from 9/11. Is it too much to ask that the Rangers be limited to winning games by only one run, maybe two? Or must these ostentatious displays of in-your-face prowess continue to set a bad example for the averaging of the American mind?

From The Chicago Sun-Times:

The New York Yankees were defeated in the playoffs by the Texas Rangers. The Rangers, a team from Dallas and not from Texas, are enjoying their first World Series since 1978. President Obama has yet to comment on the the Rangers, which may indicate disapproval. Via AP.

From Commentary Magazine:

As so the Rangers go to their first-ever World Series, dominating the Yankees in a veritable runfest. The most obvious question: how will this affect Israel? Our conclusion: not well.

From The Gormogons:

‘Puter says Yuck the Fankees. Organized labor runs baseball, and you wonder why a summer game is played at the tail end of October? It’s funny they still consider strikes a bad thing. Curious how a couple of well-placed phone calls can lead the upper echelons of liberal baseball society down a path all season long, just to get whipped by a bunch of rednecks who speak no English. Yeah, if you think what we did there was funny, wait until you see what the Rangers do in Game 3. Remember these three clues: red, the letter K, and a rope. You will understand when you see it. Everything is already in place.

About The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia by upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.