Here’s ‘Puter’s welfare proposal. Take the sum total of all money spent on federal welfare programs: TANF, food stamps, Medicaid, etc. Divide that sum by the number of recipients. Send each recipient a check for their share of the government funds.

The federal government could make the states gatekeepers for admission to the programs, allowing the federal government to fire everyone involved in administering the programs, except the person who wires funds to the states for disbursement.

Individuals would then be responsible for their own food shopping, health care, etc. ‘Puter’s certain liberals would scream that the reason these folks are on welfare is because they can’t be trusted to make good money decisions. ‘Puter believes poor money management is the effect, rather than the cause. That is, generations of poor have been conditioned to be stupid with money because that’s exactly what government paternalism expects of them. If we expect the poor to make good decisions or pay the consequences (i.e., run out of money before month end), then most will start making good decisions.

No cut in funds paid to recipients, significant reduction in federal workforce, government out of personal spending decisions. Sounds like a win-win to ‘Puter.

‘Puter’s welfare corollary is that you only get paid for the number of kids you have when you go on welfare. You get no additional money for kids born nine months or more after you sign up for benefits. If you have additional kids while on welfare, the state presumes that the child is neglected, as you don’t have the money to support it. If after a full hearing you can’t prove that you personally can care for the child without government assistance, the child is placed for adoption, with all parental rights severed. If you are a child currently on whelfare and get pregnant, this rule applies to you as well. Multi-generational welfare families problem solved.

‘Puter’s in some mood today.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.