The Many Faces of Eugene Robinson

August 24, 2010, on the Ground Zero Mosque: It’s constitutional; therefore, you have no right to criticize it. Anyone who disagrees with me is a racist, bigoted Islamophobe. There can be no other possible explanation for opposition. In other words, STFU, bigots.

August 27, 2010, on Glenn Beck’s Restoring Honor rally: It’s constitutional; therefore, it is the ordained duty of Americans to criticize it. The rally is clearly a stealth attack on Martin Luther King. Anyone who disagrees with me is a racist, bigoted hero-hater. There can be no other explanation for Mr. Beck’s rally. In other words, STFU, bigots.

‘Puter’s got several thoughts on Mr. Robinson’s schizophrenia:

1. Mr. Robinson is living proof of Dr. Krauthammer’s observation (interestingly published on the same page as Mr. Robinson’s piece today) that the last refuge of a liberal on the losing side of an argument is to call his opponent racist.

2. Does no one edit the op-ed page at the Washington Post? How on God’s green earth does an editor allow a Pulitzer Prize winning columnist to directly contradict himself within the space of three days? It’s an absolute embarrassment and a sign of the decline of our once mighty, and relatively unbiased, press.

3. Mr. Robinson’s dueling columns illustrate the liberal canard of a “living constitution.” Liberals believe the Constitution means what it says when congruent with their values (e.g., free press), and can be rewritten at whim when incongruent (e.g., guns).

If there’s a Pultizer Prize for beclowning one’s self for a failing liberal ideology, Mr. Robinson’s a shoe in this year.

About 'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this. ’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies. The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig. His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred. He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently. Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet. 'Puter suggests the Czar suck it.