Where Sheep Do Not Safely Graze

News Item.

Mary had a little lamb
Whose fleece was white as snow.
And everywere that Mary went,
That lamb was sure to go.

It followed her to school one day,
Which was against the rule.
It made the children laugh and play
To see a lamb at school.

And so the teacher turned it out,
But still it lingered near
And waited patiently about
‘Til Mary did appear.

The Volgi: And by what pretext do we entertain the notion of a lamb acting in loco canis, except that this pretext becomes subtext for our foreign policy toward Russia? Think carefully: you have your white lamb, which is America, post reset button, lingering around the (presumably) Red schoolhouse of Putin’s Russia, and all his laughing and playing Russians, waiting for a glimpse of Mary. But who is Mary? Certainly not Hillary Clinton, who has failed to ignore the malingering cancer that is Putin’s neo-Czarist Russia in favor of choice parental condemnations of North Korea. An objective correlative for Mary is, your Volgi regrets, perhaps none other than Joe Biden. They certain have the same eyes, and after a good shearing, one is forced to pause before being quick to point to the ovine orifice. Certainly, with a little mint jelly, VP Biden could see some practical benefit.
Ghettoputer: And here we go. Keeping score? So a kid brings a beloved pet to school—and yes, ‘Puter is blaming the parents for this side of it—and the school’s response? Send the kid home? Call animal control? No, it’s to turn the lamb out. WTF? In my day, the kid either took the lamb home or we opened it up to count its ribs. At least get some educational value out of it, if not a meal. But today, they just turn it out. Maybe that’s union code for do nothing, and let the kid cry worrying about her lamb, and let the lamb wander around in traffic at serious risk of injury, because the teacher failed to enact basic pet discipline. Would they have done that to a dog? Or…dare I say it…a Kitty?
GorTechie: If the facts can be believed, Mary brought a lamb to school. Seriously, what are the odds that a kid in the greater DC area would have a lamb to bring to school? Actually, not as outrageous as you might think. Statistically, there are over 834,000 sheep in the greater DC metroplex. Naturally, I’m being a bit broad here and including West Virginia, Maryland, and Northern Virginia. This is a geometric ratio of about 100,000 square kilometers, which puts an average of 8.34 sheep per square klik. With a demographic extrapolation that there are about 24 children between the ages of 6 and 10 per square kilometer, you have effectively one sheep for every three children. The odds practically favor it. Of course, most sheep live in farm-based communities where they are uniformly distributed across the topography. This, therefore, explains the amusement shared by the other kids in class: although they were delighted by the novelty of seeing the sheep as a basic disruption to the day, they at least knew what a sheep was. Efforts to turn this into a sign of transparency by the government to raise taxes in support of ovine awareness education, naturally, are a joke.
The Mandarin: Your Mandarin became aware, just as you did, about Mary’s weird plight with the lamb. You know the commotion is caused at the school, and you may be aware that the lamb, even though sent out of the schoolhouse, continued to linger around. But what the mainstream news media is conveniently forgetting to highlight is why the lamb stayed. A forgotten quatrain concludes that the lamb knew Mary loved it, and not only that, but that the teacher knew this fact and even explained it to the kids. While this does not seem to matter much to the cute factor of the story, you will see in roughly three weeks the news media leap on this point with incredible frenzy. Beck, Hannity, and Limbaugh will all confirm what you read here today; but you lucky few Gormogon readers will remember, quietly, where you saw it first.
The Czar: Mary, the lamb, the teacher and the kids. Can we please get a break from this celebrity worship crap for ten minutes? Look, the Czar is in a rage here, and he feels he better get this out into the open just one time. The whole story is a hoax. A lamb does not have the functional intelligence to leave its flock and bond to a human child, as evidenced by the Yerevan study of 1981 we explained to you four weeks ago. Further, even assuming the lamb was actually led by a rope (possible, and certainly likely to be edited out of the story to make it more human interesty), the sheer (get it?) dollar value of the animal would preclude any possibility of a seven-year-old girl leaving a lamb ranch (or is it a lamb farm? A lambasery?) and exposing it to serious harm. No, the whole story is a crock. In fact, it turns out, that Mary was actually a sophomore in college named Marya from Lebanon who brought an alligator to class hoping it would kill Zionists. But this makes the adminstration look bad, and so a couple of enterprising 19-year-old J-school interns elect to make the children laugh and play, not run and scream. Bastards in the press and their celebrity toesucking.

About The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia by upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.