Mailbag: Lackies

Dr. J writes in after reading the latest Castle insider scoop that our prepublication review board approved earlier this week:

Why is it that only The Czar and ‘Puter have the privilege of having sidekicks?
Surely the Notorious OEV, the devious Mandarin and even Gort deserve to have a minion of their own.
Or, do they have them, but keep them sufficently cowed that we don’t know how they celebrate Easter?

The simple answer: High Maintenance.  The Czar and ‘Puter are very demanding.  They are always prancing about (look, they frequent the Leaping Peacock, did you think they perambulated otherwise?) wanting or needing something.
In the case of ‘Puter, it’s usually some frilly drink with an umbrella in it, a foot massage, another box of ammo to reload one of his guns, or another grenade (see earlier stories of Castle life).  For the Czar, it’s usually hauling around those whom he has impaled, cleaning up the floors and rugs, and fetching the latest print news that is thrown quickly at the foot of the drawbridge.  We still owe that kid two dollars.  Seriously, at times, the Mandarin comes close to gut-booting these two with all their needy gripes: I want a better tax system, I want the government out of my life, I want a classless view of America, I want a logo with rippling red and white stripes, I want, I want.  But they’re our compatriots and we wouldn’t have it any other way.  And that is why the Volgi, Mandarin and myself need Dat Ho and Sleestak around the Castle because without them, you see what we’d have to do?
Now that’s not saying the three of us don’t make use of these lackiesfaithful sidekicks.  Have you ever tried transcribing the enormous amount of hieroglyphics found in Seti II’s tomb?  Well, the Volgi has and it gets dark down there.  While he likes the dark (seriously, how many vampire references have you found in his posts?), it makes it hard to tell the vulture from the quail chick.  So we frequently hear the call, “Dat!  More Light!“.  The Mandarin?  Well, that’s easy enough.  Consider the frequent unwashed heathens that stop by the Castle, add to that a steel-toed boot and you have some gutted folk that need carrying off.  Sleestak generally helps with that better than Dat Ho – something about lifting with the knees.  And myself?  Well, here’s a little secret: GorT is a pack-rat.  He travels through time and space and collects things along the way.  Sometimes it’s a random knick-knack like a collection of congressional members’ quotes and other times, its a serious piece of hardware and there’s only so much room in the lab.
So maybe that was a longer answer than Dr. J expected, but every once in a while, the curtain gets pulled back and we show you a bit of the inner life within these strong walls.
Oh wait, I guess I didn’t really answer the question about other sidekicks.  Well, I guess the curtain just didn’t get pulled back far enough.  Who do you think we are, Joe Biden or the NY Times just spouting off about all our secrets?  Thanks for writing in, though.  Keep it coming.

About GorT

GorT is an eight-foot-tall robot from the 51ˢᵗ Century who routinely time-travels to steal expensive technology from the future and return it to the past for retroinvention. The profits from this pay all the Gormogons’ bills, including subsidizing this website. Some of the products he has introduced from the future include oven mitts, the Guinness widget, Oxy-Clean, and Dr. Pepper. Due to his immense cybernetic brain, GorT is able to produce a post in 0.023 seconds and research it in even less time. Only ’Puter spends less time on research. GorT speaks entirely in zeros and ones, but occasionally throws in a ڭ to annoy the Volgi. He is a massive proponent of science, technology, and energy development, and enjoys nothing more than taking the Czar’s more interesting scientific theories, going into the past, publishing them as his own, and then returning to take credit for them. He is the only Gormogon who is capable of doing math. Possessed of incredible strength, he understands the awesome responsibility that follows and only uses it to hurt people.