Department of Crap Headlines

ABC News has a story up with this headline: “Toddler Dies After Mistaking Gun for Wii Controller.” ‘Puter calls horse hockey on ABC News.

Facts: A three year old fatally shot herself in the head with a loaded Smith & Wesson .380 semiautomatic her stepfather left unattended on a table.

Spin: Faced with a situation where irresponsible gun ownership resulted in the absolutely preventable death of an innocent, ABC News chose instead to play up the products liability angle.

Truth: The Wii controller’s resemblance to a real pistol is not the proximate cause of this toddler’s death. The proximate cause of the toddler’s death is the stepfather’s stupidity. And any angle to ABC’s story other than that is irresponsible.

Corrective Action: ‘Puter’s suggested headline? “Moron Stepfather Leaves Loaded Gun In Toddler’s Reach, Negligently Causing Her Death.” ‘Puter would have followed up with an investigation into why the local constabulary did not press charges against the genius stepfather.

*’Puter states his bona fides again, lest he be accused of being some sort of pro-gun control squish. ‘Puter owns many guns, is a card-carrying NRA member and holds a New York concealed carry permit.

About 'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this. ’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies. The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig. His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred. He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently. Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet. 'Puter suggests the Czar suck it.