Can you imagine what would happen if President Obama, faced with the economic recession, had given this as his inauguration speech? What would have happened to his support? Yes, it is a real speech from a historical leader taking power—but can you imagine the chaos that would have followed if it had come from an American president?

With the confidence of the people of our great nation, I shall speak as bluntly and clearly as the current situation demands. For this is a time to be burtally honest. We must not mince words. Yes, our great people shall survive as we always have, and we shall grow strong again. But I believe that the greatest threat we face is to do nothing, to wait, and to live our lives in confused state of shock—a gnawing anguish which causes us to shrink away rather than step forward. For in every critical moment of our great history, we have always and correctly put our unquestioning trust in equally great leaders who understood the need for urgent action. I know that you will give me that same leverage in this terrible time.

Together we can take on our mutual crisis. We are lucky that our problems are purely material. Costs have risen, taxation is out of control, we are crushed by debt, bankruptcy is dire, we cannot trade, industry has dried up, farmers cannot sell their crops, and personal fortunes have vanished.

Worse, so many of our citizens are out of work and running out of options, and those who scrape by get little or nothing for their efforts. Only an idiot denies how serious is this emergency.

But this is not the fault of our faith. We suffer no biblical trial. Our people once always triumphed because they were brave and true, and for that we must be grateful. Today, we have great national resources and the means to exploit them. We have the means of production, but not fair distribution. This is because the free market and its leaders have failed due to their own greed and stupidity, and they know they have done this to us and even worse they have left us on our own. These evil money men are hereby charged in the court of public opinion and so found guilty in the hearts and minds of all people.

Yes, they almost succeeded in their designs, but their actions were doomed by feudal thinking and failed ways. When the credit markets collapsed, their solution was to lend more money. When this failed to seduce the good people into their cults, they begged and pleaded for more. Their generation only knows the game of self-reward. They lack the ability to see the truth, and without this truth, everyone suffers.

And so the money lenders have abandoned their thrones in the kingdom of our society. But now we can rebuild our kingdom according to a more ancient wisdom. We are limited in our rebuilding only by how much we value social justice more than simple profit.

For peace and prosperity will never be found in material goods, but in hard labor and thoughtful progress. The happiness and righteousness of toil must not be displaced by simple accumulation of wealth. The present darkness will one day prove to have been a great resource if it teaches us that greatness comes not from a hand out but a hand up.

Accepting that wealth is not the goal of success must also accompany the realization that success in politics comes not from financial gain as well; we must cease all business and banking that allows for corruption and greed to thrive. Today our trust fails us, simply because trust cannot exist when we are lied to, betrayed, forgotten, abandoned, and neglected.

But we cannot rebuild our greatness on a simple return to morality. No: the people demand action—immediate action.

Our first goal must be jobs. We can do this if we use our heads and our hearts. We need the government itself to provide us the means, and to mobilize the people like an army going to war, yet using our resources as our weapons.

Together with this, we must realize our cities are overpopulated, and by mandatory relocations to the rural areas, we can put people where they will best serve the common good. We shall enact price controls over agricultural products, and thereby increase the value of this new agrarian labor force for those remaining in our industrial areas. We can do this by stopping the foreclosure of failed mortgages of our smallest homes and farms. We can do this by forcing the government and local cities and towns to lower costs for goods extensively. We can do this by nationalizing the ownership of our highways and communications and public utilities. There is no end to the ways we can achieve our goals, but we can do nothing if all we do is talk and talk. The time has come to act swiftly and decisively.

Last, in our progress toward reducing unemployment, we must enforce two strict rules to prevent the sins of the free market from returning: first, we shall fully regulate the entire banking industry; and second we must also end all financial speculation coupled with an equal reform of the national currency.

This shall be our attack strategy. I shall demand that the legislature meet immediately to provide for these measures in unity with the legislatures of our local governments.

By way of this battle plan, we commit ourselves to reforming our great nation, and ensuring that our economy achieves equity. Our foreign trade, though important, is presently less essential to our survival. We must now be pragmatic. I shall certainly work to strengthen trade with other countries, but for now that must wait until we are strong at home.

Some may falsely accuse me of being nationalist. In reality, I seek only to return us to the spirit of our forefathers, working together in all things, as a way to reclaim our greatness. This is the truest way to survive our crisis. It must be done now. It is the sole hope for our survival.

As for our foreign policy, I see us as a friendly acquaintance to all—and through self-reliance, we shall act as a role model for the world’s nations—we shall respect our obligations as well as respect their ways.

In studying our citizenry, I now see as never before how much we all depend on one another; we cannot simply receive without giving; if we are to survive this emergency, we shall need to act as a disciplined and obedient army willing to die for the common cause—for without this discipline, we cannot advance, and we cannot obey. I know all of you are willing to put your lives and your personal belongings under my leadership because it makes it possible for my guidance and direction to achieve our common victory. I hereby vow that the greater good of this victory shall constitute a sacred pact of unity the likes of which are only seen in the darkest days of war.

And by this vow, I shall not hesitate to take control of our great people’s army, and lead a loyal, disciplined assault on the threats facing our very survival.

That the end so justifies the means is both legal and allowable under the society we inherited from our forefathers. Our laws are so basic and pragmatic that anything we might do is justified and allowable without much modification. This is why our society is the greatest ever produced. We have triumphed each time we grew, fought an enemy, dealt with insurrection, and met with other lands.

I would hope that our present laws are up to the tasks I have laid out. But if not, I know you will give me unlimited, but temporary, power to do whatever is required even if it does not meet the letter of the law.

I am prepared to do my duty, and do whatever it takes to heal our sick country languishing in a sicker world. And if the law allows me to do so in word or in spirit, I shall do it quickly.

But if the laws do not allow me either option, and in the event our crisis is still with us, I shall not hesitate to carry out my responsibilities to you. I shall demand the legislature enact the one tool I would have left—unlimited power to wage war against our current crisis, exactly as if a foreign enemy was pouring across our very borders.

I can only promise that I will repay your faith in me with bravery and dedication. I owe this to you, fully.

For we can now face difficult days ahead in the warm bravery of our single, national cause; with the clear conscience that comes from following our forefathers’s ways; with the joy that comes from young and old laboring together. We seek the glory of a rewarding and permanent life of national service.

I do not seek to destroy democracy. Our country has not failed. In this our of crisis, our country has spoken, and demanded swift and immediate action. Our country has demanded discipline and required obedience. Our country has made me the leader to achieve this. And I humbly accept the challenge.

We praise God for this day. May he protect each of us. May he show me the way in this dangerous time.

Scary, eh? Actually, the bad news is that this speech, more or less, did come from an American president. Not word for word, but sentence for sentence and idea for idea. All your Czar did was modernize the English.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.