Gormogon operative KM, strategically located close to the geographic center of the US (closer than us, anyway, so he gets the job), writes in.

Most High and Honorable Czar,

I don’t live anywhere near Tracy, California, thankfully, but hasn’t there been an entry on our phone bills for 911 forever? Haven’t the customers (coincidentally also taxpayers) already paid for 911?

I guess that’s just for the actual 911 phone service. They are proposing to charge for responding to a use of the phone service. That reminds me of the State of Missouri (Misery?) proposing a special tax for Sheriffs or Highway Patrol a few years ago. I always thought the taxes already paid should have covered such basic services. With the return of the season formerly known as Winter I expect they’ll propose a tax to fund snow removal and road salt. Then they’ll tell us they need more money to actually put the salt on the roads.

What a racket. Can government officials be brought up on RICO charges? I can think of no more “Corrupt Organization” than Congress.

Some thoughts:

1. The Czar knows some things about 911 centers that most people do not. First, they are incredibly expensive to run and operate: you obviously need to vet people very well. With millions of phone calls coming through our country’s 911 centers, only rarely do you hear stories of screw ups, rude dispatchers, or abhorrent practices. Generally, the news focuses on morons who call in trying to get their data back when their spreadsheet crashes. Because of this, 911 personnel enjoy a high competence rate in our book. Second, the technology used to handle this call flow is ridiculously complex. Your average call center tolerates a one-to-two minute on-hold time; a 911 center cannot, and must switch a call incredibly fast to an attendent. Sometimes, that attendent is not even the right one: if you call in on a cell phone, the call naturally goes to the closest 911 center. The 911 attendent then transfers you to the one more appropriate for your needs (county or state police or even FBI), which happens flawlessly even though the technologies between the different call centers is probably quite different. This is amazing stuff.

2. So the easiest way to pay for competent technology that works is a couple of bucks on your phone bill each month. Incredibly, that surcharge covers these costs (it is not a tax, per se, because only people with working phones have to pay it; 911 calls are still free even from a cell phone). And 911 service, it is easy to say, benefits the entire community with lower crime and fewer fatalities or disastrous fires. Everyone benefits from 911, and it costs a few bucks per month. Sign us up!

3. The Tracy, California, plan actually has nothing to do with providing 911 services: in fact, one can make the argument is has nothing to do with paramedics, either. The city is simply charging a few hundred bucks each time an ambulance rolls. The money does not go to the 911 center (which as KM suspects is fully covered in the phone bill surcharge). The money does not technically go to the fire department; instead, it goes to pay down a $9 million shortfall in the budget. So your call to 911 now helps pay for the Fourth of July firework extravaganza, the repairs on the park district building roof, and almost certainly public sector union pensions.

4. What GD objected to, and the Czar as well, is that no one wants to get hit with a $300 or $400 bill. So that domestic disturbance next door? Or the old man who falls in the street? Or the chest pains you woke up with? Nobody will call, in hopes that someone else will call first and eat the bill. The idea is incredibly stupid, and Tracy residents will either love the consequences, or they will start voting for city leaders who can subtract better than they can add. And every resident paying $48 a month to help pay down the $9 million budget gap? Well, that is a tax, now, is it not?

5. Regarding RICO and Congress. Tough one: incompetence is a great defense against RICO. But yes, RICO has taken down many government officials.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.