President Obama successfully lighted the nation’s official Christmas tree yesterday, requesting that the even be recorded as a successful accomplishment by his administration. The tree contains thousands of LED lights, and will shine in majesty between now and January 1st…adding several hundreds tons of carbon into the atmosphere and raising the earth’s temperature by 1.3°.

The President thanked his family and his “outstanding” vice president, Joe Biden, who was literally out standing in the middle of Pennsylvania Avenue, outside the gates, away from harm. VP Biden waved from the curb, but the President evidently did not see him.

A surprise was the visit by a certain heavy set elderly fellow with a beard and an obsession with the North Pole. Al Gore. Another surprise visitor, Santa himself, jumped onto the stage to share the limelight with the President, until the Secret Sevice tackled him as he was simply another out-of-work actor trying to get onto a reality show.

At the moment of lighting, the President asked for assistance, stating that he was technologically challenged and “might not get this right” (referring mostly to his domestic agenda and foreign policy); as a result, Sasha and Malia helped pushed the button that lit the tree, fired John Holdren, and then corrected the many documented errors on the recovery.org website.

When the tree ignited, President Obama hollered “It worked! Count that as six jobs saved!”

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.