Mad News Roundup

Wow. Where does the Czar start?

Well, the President is apparently ticked over the Amsterdam-Detroit terrorism plot because (a) it actually was terrorism—not a man-caused disasters—on his freaking watch, (b) because it might have been prevented had he appointed a couple of key positions rather than flit about the world accepting medals for good looks, (c) it exposed how soft the US is on fighting what should be an offensive war rather than a defensive one, and (d) proved that, yeah, Western-educated males of pseudo-Islamic beliefs seem to be 99.9% of the problem here. The President has vowed to fix this “intelligence gap.” That intelligence gap would begin, no doubt, with his appointment of the shockingly delusional Janet Napolitano as head of the DHS.

In other bad news, your Chekist хуй, Vlad Putin is openly threatening the United States. You recall, when Obama was accepting his Nobel prize with his speech about “if we all just held hands, we couldn’t push a button on a bomb,” Russia launched a test ICBM straight over Norway. And even though Obama baked him a nice plate of no-missile-shield cookies, Putin basically stated that the President’s cockiness would “immediately be stepped up in real politics and in the economy,” the Russian word for which is wuss.

And if the Mean Girls crowd wasn’t big enough for our cheerleading captain, China has executed a British citizen with minimal due process. Britain, which as a momentarily leftist country loves China and everything she does, was shocked with the news. The British say that the delightful father of three was mentally unfit to stand trial. The Chinese say that a man smuggling a crapload of heroin into China who has his bipolar condition under medical control is, in essence, a criminal, who was found guilty in a legitimate trial, the penalty for which is, well, you know. The British no doubt wondered why, if the man so terribly guilty, the Chinese didn’t send him to Libya with a full pardon.

And it looks like our Bizarro World State Department is picking the Washington Generals to beat the Globetrotters yet again. Iran, with whom the President wanted open and honest discussions and with whom he has been perfectly clear will be subject to some sort of vague idea about unspecified sanctions over their nuclear program, continues to remain silent when the government there is teetering on collapse. As your Volgi reported, this is no understatement: the goddamned escape flight paths are logged and luggage is already packed. Just when the United States could transform the world with a simple “We believe in the people of Iran,” our State Department sends the mollahs a regifted invitation to join the beer of the month club. Clearly the President’s Iranian plan for the future of world peace is so stunningly elaborate it can only be understood in a plane of higher dimensions. One doubts our own dear Mandarin can make sense of it.

Finally, for our ever-thickening Whiskey Tango Foxtrot file, comes a story of Illinois politics. Think all the fun left when Rod Blagojevich got spanked? Heck no! Proving that the Illinois GOP is just as weird as the Illinois Democratic Party comes the story of senatorial candidate Andy Martin; Mr. Martin, dropping badly in the polls behind GOP superstar Rep. Mark Kirk, decided to take out a radio advertisement about why you might not want to vote for Mark Kirk. Rep. Kirk made a lot of controversial votes as a Representative in DC…plus, he’s “gay.” While people on both sides of the aisle responded with a solid Whaaaaaa?, Martin defended his accusation based on (ahem) “a solid rumor on the Internet.” Rep. Kirk was also surprised by the accusation, and it is doubtless the first he or his wife and family have heard of it. That said, one should remember that Martin once tried to run for office in order to “eliminate Jew power in America.” Finally, the Illinois GOP smartened up and said this guy is no longer allowed to declare himself a member of the Republican Party (at least a decade too late). We wish Andy Martin good luck in his new career as a warehouse clerk at a suburban auto parts store.

About The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia by upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.