Sometimes the Czar suspects people send him mail only because they want to see their names in print on a prominent website. Quite frankly, it tends to work.

And the highly talented JAB is no exception! You all know her: she’s our head of security for the entire Southeast quadrant of the United States (‘Puter is proposing it all be coalesced into one big state called Hotville. Gort says it actually doesn’t go down that way, which is always the sort of counter-argument you can expect from a time traveling robot. You probably have the same trouble with yours.).

Anyway, JAB writes in to say how busy she’s been with the work we’ve given her to do.

Being a humble plebian, I humbly confess my ignorance in the manners expected when addressing one who resides in a castle, especially one such as Castle Gormogon.
Being a freeborn American, Southern by the Grace of God, I do at least know better than to bow.
So please, Your Czarness, pardon my doubtless-poor attempts to purty-up my rhetorical stylings.
Like your fellow castle-dweller, Mr. Volgi, I just couldn’t muster up the willpower to watch Obama’s speech last night. Truth be told, I thought he’d pull some “hey-look-at-me” line like he did in that tele-link drop-by celebrating the fall of the Berlin Wall. Reckon he just didn’t get the memo that the event was supposed to celebrate the incredible increase of freedom brought about by the crubling of the Iron Curtain. But I was just too afeared to watch.
But I digress….
May I express my gratitude to your Czarness for the review of the speech?
And also for the sanity-sacrificing public service your Czarness bestowed on an undeserving, unwashed public? I refer, of course, to reading the “health-care” bill passed by the House of Representatives.
I fear Mr. ‘Puter may tar me with the same brush as he did that Thomas Frank feller, but it’s a risk I’ll have to take.
I have an opinion.
You guys rock like Hello Kitty!
Keep it up y’all!
There. Now. I’ve said it.

Wow. Like Hello Kitty herself. That’s indeed high praise. JAB can expect a little something extra in her envelope this week. It may be a human ear. It definitely won’t be money. We think JAB rocks, too, although now she’s got ‘Puter strutting all over the Castle with a necktie on, looking like a zombified Dean Martin, because someone finally referred to him as Mister. Nice going, JAB. He thinks he’s such a big shot.

You are welcome back any time to the Castle. Be sure to stop down at the lobby piano bar for our new featured drink, the Iron Maiden. The problem with Bloody Marys? Not enough blood.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.