President Obama celebrated the 45th consecutive end of the recession today in a White House celebration marked by libations and trays of imported cheeses.

“This marks another great day for our country,” he said. “Although we inherited some problems, we have proven that our team—by which I mean my team—was ready and capable.”

The President added that he has become so successful at ending recessions that he is strongly considering making the event a weekly occurrence. “Let me be perfectly clear—this is a great day, and we could seriously do this every week instead of every three weeks. Why not, right? It’s up to us as Americans… me, and to a vastly lesser extent, the rest of you.”

Republicans hiding in shadows in between livestock molestations remarked that the President has not actually ended any recession at all, but allegedly is pointing to a collection of news reports of anything remotely positive as evidence that the economy has recovered despite a whoppingly rising unemployment rate and continuing collapse of the credit market. But Republicans can be so gay that way.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.