Holly Bailey of Newsweek has just completed her seventh-grade Civics class, and is now experimenting with snark. Except the snark bites with his teeth, dear.

We quote in full, because, well, this sucks as writing. And we had such hope for the new Newsweek.

You’ve gotta hand it to Nancy Pelosi: She is queen of the photo op. Four days after Harry Reid unveiled his version of health-care reform in a windowless room deep inside the U.S. Capitol, Pelosi chose perhaps the most dramatic setting in Washington to make her own health-care pitch: the west front steps of the Capitol building. You’ve seen it on TV. It’s where presidents are sworn in—though this morning’s events looked and sounded a little more like a convention speech than an inauguration event. Case in point: Pelosi marched into the event to her own personal soundtrack, “Elevation” by U2. (She loves that Bono, remember?) Reid had, well, the sound of reporters typing away on their laptops. Throwaway details aside, there is one major optical difference between the Pelosi and Reid events: when the senator spoke, he did it alone. At Pelosi’s event, almost every member of the House Democratic caucus stood behind her. Who do you think has more sway on Capitol Hill?

The west front steps of the Capitol building. You’ve seen it on TV. Whoa! The Capitol building has been on TV? Wow, we have a TV. Perhaps the Czar has seen it! Perhaps the Czar has actually been there. Perhaps millions of Americans, who understand American government better than a trifold handout at a college quad gathering, have been there! And someone said you can take a tour?

This morning’s events looked and sounded a little more like a convention speech than an inauguration event. Err-mmm….because it was a speech and not an inauguration? What the foxtrot! Someone gives a speech on the Capitol steps, and all she can think of is a presidential inauguration? Perhaps Ms. Bailey is unaware that American history existed prior to January 20, 2009, and that maybe one or two other people have used the Capitol steps for important speeches? OMG! MLK wants 2B POTUS?!?!!

At Pelosi’s event, almost every member of the House Democratic caucus stood behind her. Who do you think has more sway on Capitol Hill? Let us see. The Speaker of the House versus a seriously-down-in-the-polls unpopular Senator… whom do we think has more influence? Yeah, Holly, that is a toughie. Perhaps for the average Newsweek reader it is. For those of us, ahem, who have left junior high, the smart money is that the Speaker of the House is a little more influential than a single senator about to be old yellered to a tree in the back.

Good luck with the new writing team, Newsweek! For those of us who want more correct information than Madame Speaker’s preferred U2 song (OMG! ♥U2!!), you are welcome to stay here at the Gormogons. Our readership is also slightly better than Newsweek’s, too. Ain’t that a pip?

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.