ABC News has decided two things about balloon-boy Falcon Heene (pronounced “heenie,” like the H1N1 virus is pronounced):

1. He is like Tom Sawyer, a truly colorful and splendid literary character full of charm and whimsy, if not in some respects like a hero. In fact, yes, Falcon is truly a hero here.

2. It is normal behavior for a boy to hide for 5 hours in a small space.

A psychologist said kids Faclon’s age will hide to avoid punishment. The Czar agrees, but is not so sure that a 6-year-old will hide for 300 minutes; the Czar cannot get his 6-year-old to do anything longer than 5 minutes. Even armed with a monster Lego kit, Iron Man, a box of Capri Sun bags, a large pizza, and Godzilla action figures, the Czar might be able to get a six-year-old to hide for 30 minutes.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.