A Modest Proposal Inspired by ACORN
As loyal Gormogon readers surely know, Democrats are planning on unprecedented government intervention in Wall Street’s business. Bureaucrats will determine everything from proper salaries, to what constitutes a fair profit, to acceptable urinal spacing. ‘Puter made that last one up, but you get the drift.
‘Puter recommends the following to the Republicans. Go along with the Democrats on greater regulation of Wall Street, but take out the inevitable wackiness. Americans are going insist that “something be done” about Wall Street, so it’s best to appear reasonable, while cutting out stupid proposals that will cripple American finance.
In return, insist Democrats support ‘Puter’s Government Investment Verification and Accountability, Sustainability, Healthcare, Information and Transparency Act of 2009 (“GIVASHIT”).
GIVASHIT requires any entity (public, private or charitable) that receives more than a set percentage of its operating budget (‘Puter would say 10%, but Republicans should settle for 50%) from any government entity (federal, state or local) (1) be subject to the provisions of the Freedom of Information Act and (2) submit audited financial statements annually, available for public inspection. Affiliates of any covered entity would also be subject to GIVASHIT’s provisions. The only exceptions to covered entities would be based upon national security considerations.
GIVASHIT will prevent waste, fraud and abuse of government funds by making each American a private attorney general, with authority to investigate publicly funded entities on his own through judicious use of FOIA. And if covered entities don’t like the accoutnability, they can opt out from coverage by refusing to accept government funds. It’s a win-win.
Tell your Congressmen to GIVASHIT today! And don’t forget to tell him or her that your Gormogons are watching.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.