To: All State Department Employees
From: Secretary of State
Date: August 5, 2009
Re: New Policies on Human Collateral

Effective immediately, all American citizens being held hostage, detained, arrested, or captured, legally or illegally, may be seen as valuable commodities to the governments holding them.

In conversations with the President this morning, I want to ensure each and all of you that our policy is not to fly my husband out there to negotiate their releases unless one of them is a celebrity that happens to be a staunch supporter of the President.

In the case of Euna Lee, she happened to be along for the ride and works for Al Gore’s CurrentTV, so we made an exception there. But let me reassure your understanding of the situation: if Barbra Streisand is arrested in Iran, or if Somali pirates capture Tim Robbins, you can now book Bill Clinton as a resource through Outlook to show up, entertain, and pose for pictures with despots. If, however, Robert Davi or James Woods is kidnapped, they will be left to die. Likewise, any of the dozen of Americans who will now be kidnapped in Nepal, the Philippines, Colombia, Syria, etc., are deemed to be worthless. Although this sounds harsh, this is a position our current President inherited from others.

No doubt we are all excited to see the release of Ms. Ling and Ms. Lee, who were in fact illegally crossing into back and forth into North Korean space to see if refugees are pursued. To our knowledge, they were not illegally captured, nor was their sentence different from other individuals arrested in the same manner. Therefore, understand that our administration is willing to order a former president to curtsy before an evil thug dictator in order to demand the release of a celebrity who was legitimately arrested.

Also, some of you have called into my office and sent emails wondering whether it is legal for a private citizen of the United States to act as a diplomatic entity on behalf of the United States. Evidently, some of you remember this from your study of an individual named Thomas Jefferson. I have discussed this with the President, and he believes this Mr. Jefferson was a Democratic Republican, and therefore his views and opinions do not apply. In any case, the President asked my husband to do it because I, as a woman, am ineffective in this role. At any rate, former President Carter did similar things, so if he can do that, and win prizes and write books, then so can my husabd—as opposed to sitting around on the toilet all day with that PSP.

Under no circumstances will Al Gore be allowed to represent us. As you know, we asked him originally to meet with Kim Jong Il, but the North Koreans were adamant we send someone else.

Let me know if there are any questions. And please remember our new standing policy of notifying the government of anyone who is criticizing our President or asking straightforward questions about his policies.


About The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia by upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.