Why Universities Are Messed Up
‘Puter received an email from the chancellor one of his alma maters today. In the missive, the chancellor who shall remain unnamed stated that the university that shall remain unnamed must take measures to cut back monetarily in order to weather the economic downturn. So far, so good.
However, in the course of the discussion, the chancellor makes note of the board of directors’ 10 year plan for the university, titled Plan for Excellence. And what’s number one on the list of priorities for said university as it pleads for additional funds? This BS PC drivel: “(1) strengthen diversity and improve gender balance and inclusiveness in all segments of the University community.”
What an absolute load of horse puckey. Perhaps if the university focused more on providing admissions based on merit, rather than concerning itself with achieving some indefinable balance based on skin color, gender and “inclusiveness,” the university wouldn’t be in an alleged financial hole.
And as to the university’s cry of poverty? Feel no pity for said university. It’s 2009-10 undergraduate tuition, including room and board, was approximately $45,000. And its endowment as listed on its website is $5.7 billion.
If anyone would like to see the text of the email in full, feel free to email ‘Puter at the address to the left.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.