Jenny McCarthy, that formerly hot yet now hard and used up looking Playboy “model”, shares her scientific knowledge that vaccinations caused her son’s autism, so under no circumstances should any children ever be vaccinated. Vaccination must have caused her son’s autism, she reasons, because her son was fine, then he got vaccinated, then he became autistic. Oh, and Ms. McCarthy’s developed a cure for autism, too, but that’s for another post.

On a side note, it seems the real reason for Ms. McCarthy’s rage is a self-admitted selfishness. Ms. McCarthy whines that it sucks so bad for her to have a kid with autism. No, really. She says “[a]utism, as I see it, steals the soul from a child; then, if allowed, relentlessly sucks life’s marrow out of the family members, one by one…”

Special place in Hell, and all that.

In a seemingly unrelated yet timely post, ‘Puter’s pretend girlfriend Megan McArdle notes (with graphs and everything!) that correlation does not equal causation. Ms. McArdle notes that increased Mexican lemon imports correlates neatly with reduced highway fatalities. Therefore, eating more Mexican lemons prevents highway deaths. Not. (Read the link, even though it has absolutely nothing to do with autism or Jenny McCarthy).

Likewise, just because Ms. McCarthy’s son developed autism shortly after getting vaccinated does not mean that vaccinations caused her son’s autism. Study after study after study has disproven any causal connection between vaccinations and autism.

Here’s a few facts for Ms. McCarthy to chew on. Autism spectrum disorders are present, at best, in approximately 1 in 150 kids, and that figure includes any hint of autistic behavior, no matter how slight. Before vaccinations pretty much wiped it out in the U.S., polio killed 5 in 100 kids it infected, and paralyzed another 37 in 100 infected kids.

‘Puter will take his chances with vaccinations. In fact, he has. ‘Puter’s kids are vaccinated, as well as ‘Puter and Mrs. ‘Puter. Heck, ‘Puter’s even kickin’ it old school with a smallpox vaccination scar on his shoulder.

Ms. McCarthy should lay off her “science” and return to whatever it is nude models do once they’ve lost their looks.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.