At least Dick Cheney knew to keep quiet.

When asked about the growing Everything Shall Die terror of the Swine Flu, POTUS Obama wants everyone to stay calm. “Everyone should rest assured that this government is prepared to do whatever it takes to control the impact of this virus…This is a cause for deep concern, but not panic.” The Czar agrees.

On the other hand, Joe “Whoops” Biden urges panic. “I would tell members of my family—and I have—I wouldn’t go anywhere in confined places right now! It’s not that its going to Mexico, it’s that you are in a confined aircraft when one person sneezes, it goes everywhere through the aircraft. That’s me….I would not be… at this point, if they had another way of transportation, suggesting they ride the subway. From my perspective, it relates to…is mitigation. If you’re out in the middle of a field and someone sneezes, that’s one thing. If you’re in a closed aircraft, a closed container, closed car, a closed classroom, it’s a different thing,”

Rapidly countered Biden spokesperson Elizabeth “What The Veep Meant To Say” Alexander, “The advice he is giving family members is the same advice the administration is giving to all Americans: that they should avoid unnecessary air travel to and from Mexico. If they are sick, they should avoid airplanes and other confined public spaces, such as subways. This is the advice the vice president has given family members who are traveling by commercial airline this week.”

Well, that may be what he was supposed to say, and maybe he was thinking of saying at some point before, during, or after, but the Vice President did say—and the Czar is pretty certain because he is reading it right off the page here—that VP Biden presently advises against any travel in a confied space, not limited to Mexico, but anywhere, including an aircraft, container, car, or even a classroom. He is not advising his family, either, but told them what he personally is doing.

The VP is aware of the same information that the Czar and every Gormogon reader is: the numbers involved with Swine Flu do not justify the ridiculous hysteria that is going on in the media right now. Either VP Biden is intentionally fear-mongering (bad), or he is allowing the media to terrify him with over-reporting (bad), or is a neurotic freak (very bad). Which is it? And why?

In related news, the WHO has agreed to change the name of the virus to the H1N1A virus, due to protests from swine, who believe they are being unfairly maligned by conservative capitalists.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.