The Czar just got hold of a spec script for this new crime drama pilot that the Volgi has been working on. He made the Czar promise to keep this draft a secret, so the Czar will only share it with you readers.

This has all the signs of a pretty good series, especially in the vacuum of The Sopranos, which left so many things unresolved that most fans skipped the entire last season.

In the pilot, we have a business owner named Nick Banks who took over the shop from his father. For the first two years, things were pretty good: now, however, times are tough and the shop is going under. Banks needs about $50,000 to pay off the most dire bills, and is desperate to find a way to raise the revenue before the whole shop is shuttered.

In walks, who else, but Paulie “The Clown” Congrezzi. He offers Banks a no-interest loan of $50,000, cash. No interest, that is, but Paulie wants executive control over certain portions of the business. Banks is certainly tempted by the sight of the cash, and begins to think this is a good deal.

Until, of course, Paulie starts selling off the assets on eBay: the business laptops are the first to disappear, followed by the fleet of cars, and eventually the breakroom microwave and refrigerator. “It’s for the good of the business,” Paulie explains, as some of his own workers start tearing copper out of the walls.

Banks has had enough, and offers to return the money. Paulie is hurt, hurt, and puts his arm around Banks. He explains he only wants to help, and that nobody is going to get in trouble. Banks cannot shake his unease, and asks to give Paulie back his money. “That might be a little difficult,” Paulie explains. Further, Paulie now instructs Banks that he needs to do some additional favors for him…for starters, he needs to hire a few dozen of Paulie’s business associates as managers and vice presidents.

Banks knows this will ruin him, and as the pilot episode ends, the viewer wonders if Banks will be ruined by Paulie, or if giving the money back will be worse.

The Czar is glad this is merely fiction, and in no way represents what is happening in, say, the banking industry.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.