Greedy Lawyers + (Sexting + Suicide) = Bad Law

This is a truly sad story, but not a good reason to create new, unnecessary law.

The Logan family’s only child — an 18 year old daughter Jessica — sent a nude photo of herself to her boyfriend’s cell phone. Jessica’s boyfriend sent the photo to other people. When the photo got out, some of Jessica’s classmates treated her poorly, calling her whore, slut, etc. Jessica could not cope with the abuse and hanged herself.

In yet another example of the infantilization of America, the Logans want a law passed. Again, in true American fashion, there is no mention of what they think the law should be. Finally, in modern American fashion, a New York lawyer is scavenging the bones of this whole sorry state of affairs. It’s like watching Greta Van Susteren ride to fame on Natalee Holloway’s as yet undiscovered corpse all over again.

What well-intentioned yet stupid laws do the Logans (and their New York lawyer) believe should result from this tragedy? Adults aren’t free to take and send nude photos of themselves? High school kids (and adults) can’t be insensitive assholes? School officials are liable for all acts of their students both off and on school grounds, no matter the lack of control?

Let’s call a spade a spade. Jessica was a legal adult. She made two horrible, stupid decisions. First, she electronically sent a nude photo of herself. Second, she killed herself. Jessica did both of these things on her own, without coercion. You can’t pass laws to prevent stupidity, or the consequences, seen and/or unforeseen, that flow therefrom.

And no law can fill the void in the Logans’ lives left by Jessica’s senseless death.

About 'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this. ’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies. The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig. His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred. He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently. Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet. 'Puter suggests the Czar suck it.