And Your Football Team Stinks, Too
The University of Notre Dame, an ostensibly Roman Catholic institution of higher learning, extended an invitation to President Obama to speak at its commencement ceremony in May.
The problem? The Roman Catholic Church is uncompromisingly protective of innocent human life from the moment of conception as a matter of doctrine. President Obama is unapologetically in favor of destroying innocent human life, as witnessed through: (1) his opposition to banning partial birth abortions; (2) his funding of embryonic stem cell research with federal dollars; and (3) lifting the ban on overseas abortion funding, for starters.
In response to this matter, the Most Reverend John M. D’Arcy as bishop of the diocese of Fort Wayne (in which Notre Dame is located), has refused to attend Notre Dame’s commencement for the first time in his 25 years as diocesan head. Bishop D’Arcy, citing the United States Catholic Bishops’ 2004 statement says “[t]he Catholic community and Catholic institutions should not honor those who act in defiance of our fundamental moral principles. They should not be given awards, honors or platforms which would suggest support for their actions.” Read Bishop D’Arcy’s entire thinly veiled smack down of Notre Dame here.
** Pictured above, Touchdown Jesus and Notre Dame alumni react to the good news that at least one Catholic clergyman has the balls to take an unpopular stand in support of Church teaching.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.