U.S. Middle East Policy - The Gormogons

‘Puter agrees with Volgi’s assessment of the Israeli/Palestinian situation. All out war with its stated objective being the crushing defeat of the Palestinians may be the least bad choice remaining to the Israelis, even taking into account the numerous civilian casualties on both sides that are certain to occur.

‘Puter would like to see the U.S. adopt a new Middle East policy, though. Were ‘Puter running the show, he would instruct his diplomats to inform all Middle East countries and other interested parties that the U.S. will not pressure the Israelis to negotiate with any country that does not recognize in writing (in both Arabic and English) Israel’s absolute right to exist. ‘Puter would politely hint to all nations that refusing to recognize Israel’s right to exist is tantamount to an act of war, one for which the U.S. recognizes Israel’s right to strike preemptively.

The new policy would not be pretty, but it certainly would move the current Middle East “peace process” forward, one way or another.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.