Mexico and the International Court of Justice a/k/a World Court again have their collective knickers in twist because the United States has dared to exercise its sovereignty. Our self-declared freelancing fourth branch of government, the State Department, should tell the Mexicans to cram their complaints in the nation’s tamale-hole. Mmmm. Tamales.

Unlikely human rights poster boy Jose Medellin (apparently, no relation to the Colombian Medellins) participated in the brutal rape and killing of two Texas teenagers in 1993. I say “participated in” rather than “is alleged to have participated in” because Mr. Medellin was convicted of these crimes by the people of the State (Republic) of Texas. Check out why poor Mr. Medellin ran into trouble with the fine folks from Texas, taken from the linked FoxNews story.

“[Mr. Medellin] and five fellow gang members attacked the girls as they were walking home on a June night, raped and tortured them for an hour, then kicked and stomped them before using a belt and shoelaces to strangle them.”

Mexico’s beef on behalf of the recently forcibly-departed Mr. Medellin is that Mr. Medellin did not get to contact the Mexican Consulate upon his arrest. These claims were considered and rejected by the United States Supreme Court.

Lost in Mexico’s whine are several key facts. First, although born in Mexico, Mr. Medellin had resided in the United States from age 3 through age 18, when he want on his rape and torture spree. The article does not state whether Mr. Medellin legally entered the United States. For the last 15 years, Mr. Medellin has resided on Texas’ death row, at the expense of the taxpayers of the State of Texas. Mr. Medellin does not seem so much a Mexican citizen to me.

Mr. Medellin was arrested for a brutal crime he voluntarily committed in the United States, had access to legal counsel and the most free and fair judicial system in the world, including 15 years of appeals, and yet Mexico still does not think Mr. Medellin got a fair shake.

“‘Only God has the right to take a life,’ said Medellin’s cousin Reyna Armendariz,” whining about Texas’ execution of a convicted child rapist and murderer, according to FoxNews. Perhaps if Mr. Medellin followed his cousin’s advice and let God decide when to take lives, then Mr. Medellin might still be living the good life in Texas.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.