Taking the challenge of the Notorious OEV (forgive my lack of font knowledge), Ghettoputer took The Good Junior Senator From Illinois’ Constitutional Law exam over his Delmarva Vacation Extravaganza. The following is the text of his answers.

PART I.

Under either a substantive Due Process analysis or an Equal Protection analysis, the answer of a Unites States Supreme Court appointed by Professor Obama would be the same.

“Ghettoputer, C. J., per curiam. The Constitution is a living, breathing document into which the hopes of each American is written. Therefore, we must interpret the Constitution giving heavy weight to the views of the appellants before us, as they are living, breathing Americans, not the dead white guys who devised the greatest nation on the face of the Earth. Since Richard and Michael want to get gay married, have babies and rent a uterus, who are we, as Justices of the Supreme Court, guardians of 230 or so years of American law, and over 900 years of English-derived common law to stand in their way, despite the fact that such arrangements have never, ever been deemed acceptable by neither a majority of people in our nation, nor their elected representatives? We are now a post-modern nation, and as such, the Constitution means whatever anyone thinks it means, including Richard and Michael. We must honor their differentness, regardless of any impact on society or its foundations. To do otherwise would negate their otherness. Therefore, without careful, considered deliberation by the people’s elected representatives, or input from American’s freely elected executive, this unelected, unrepresentative Court hereby holds that the Constitution should mean whatever anyone thinks it means. The state of Nirvana must not only permit Richard and Michael to gay marry, have babies and rent uteri, the State of Nirvana must hold a week long poetry reading, sit-in and drum circle session to celebrate Our Decision.

It is so ordered.“

PART II, Subparts A and B.

“Ghettoputer, C.J., per curiam. Anything that disadvantages any minority group, no matter how tangentially, no matter how small, no matter how rational the basis for such policy, no matter how equally any such test is applied to all racial groups (see, e.g., credit scoring to get a loan, standardized testing to secure a university slot, merit based pay), such thing is per se evil and bad. Therefore, meritocracy is hereby declared unconstitutional in the United States. Enjoy driving over bridges designed by subpar civil engineering students. Oh, by the way, banks must now loan to everyone who applies, regardless of past payment history or state ability to repay, or risk being shuttered by the FDIC or other appropriate regulatory agency. And the State of Utopia must hire everyone who applies, regardless of ability. To quote a great Obamanation Founding Father, “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need.” If a person needs a job, Utopia must take one away from someone with ability and give such job to the needy person.

As Ramses II once said, according to the noted Constitutional scholar Cecil B. DeMille, “so let it be written, so let it be done.” (Shout out to noted Jewish minority and cigarette smoker (and stud) Yul Brynner).

It is so ordered.”

I hope I beat Professor Obama’s 12 page limit. Forgive the lack of proper margins. Ghettoputer awaits Professor Obama’s grade. Or the death of our Republic, whichever shall first occur.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.